Screenhead

Who watches the Watchmen?

Simple question, horrendously complex answer.  But when it comes to the movie, it’s clear enough that everybody does.

Let me preface this review by saying that there was no way that Watchmen could have ever lived up to the hype, or to the baffling expectations the fans laid on this sucker.  No way.  Just…no way.  You just plain old can’t boil down a graphic novel series into one movie, unless you want a movie that’s about sixteen hours long.  And it’s a good thing I never read the Watchmen comics, because this allows me to go in fresh, and see the movie for what it was–a movie.

And man, what a movie it was.  You’ve got the Russians and the Americans staring each other down over a multitude of nuclear warheads each in the middle of the eighties and no less than Tricky Dick Nixon in charge.  I told you once I was an alternate history buff, and frankly, Watchmen represents one of the best alternate histories I’ve seen in a while.  America won Vietnam!  Ronald Reagan’s running for president in 1988 and no one’s taking him seriously!  The economic malaise of the seventies appears to have never actually happened, but then, 1985 looks a LOT like 1965.  And in the midst of it all, we’ve got a collective of heroes facing an enemy they never expected to fight–until it was actually too late.

As a movie, I can’t say anything but this: Watchmen is a complete success.  Oh, sure, it’s got its low points–I burst out laughing when Rorschach busted out the choice lines like “an abattoir of retarded children”.  Seriously, that was a “lolwut” moment if ever I’ve heard one.  And yes, the sex scene on board the Owl Ship is as baffling and awkward as you’ve no doubt by now heard.

But at the same time, this is a movie that kept my interest in the OPENING CREDITS.  Do you have any idea how hard that is?  Credits aren’t SUPPOSED to be interesting!  Sometimes the end credits include outtakes and such, and that’s always a hoot, but the OPENING credits?  No, they’re supposed to be credits!  They’re not supposed to be interesting!  Everything that my relentless coverage of the video journals suggested is clear and present throughout the movie.  They paid such EXACTING attention to detail. And they put these incredible trimmings on a plot that is both solid and enjoyable.  The cast all turned in solid performances, leaving aside some small clinkers like I mentioned–nothing’s perfect–but not a bit of it distracts from the sheer joy that this movie is to watch.

What I watched here today was almost–ALMOST!–enough to make me forget about the hatchet job Zack Snyder did on Dawn of the Dead.  As long as he stays away from horror flicks and stays with comic book movies, well, he’s got my vote for pretty much anything.  I would trust him with Transmetropolitan, and from me, that’s high praise.

Let me be abundantly clear–Watchmen is GREAT stuff.  Sure, it’s missing plenty from the comic books; I’ve heard from enough readers to know there are missing chunks of the books scattered throughout.  But the movie, when seen as a movie, is a deep and amazing experience that almost begs for a big screen viewing.  You can’t wait for this one on video, folks–even a choice home theatre rig will not be able to process Watchmen as only a theatre can.

Simply put…this is too good to miss.

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