Screenhead

From the annals of Duh Magazine: A Journal For Halfwits, this issue includes such pieces as “Bib Vs. Cup: How To Catch Your Drool”, “The Sun Is Hot”, and of course, “Twilight Wins Big At Teen Choice ‘09 Awards”.

I know, I’m being all facetious again, but seriously, who didn’t see this coming?  The big winner at the Teen Choice Awards, which aired just last night but were over on Sunday, was the sparkly vampire feast, which took home Choice Movie Drama, Choice Movie Liplock, Choice Movie Villain, and a slew of other equally vapid choices.

Seriously, check out how they stack the deck on Choice Movie Villain:

Cam Gigandet – Twilight
Liev Schreiber – X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Eric Bana – Star Trek
Ken Jeong – The Hangover
Hank Azaria – Night At The Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

You can’t be serious.  Your idea of nominations for “choice movie villain” are a Simpsons voice actor, a Kim Jong-Il knockoff and a vampire from Twilight??  No wonder the kids today are so messed up–they wouldn’t know a proper villain from their own ass in the dark with both hands, a flashlight and a head start!

Why no love for Jason Voorhees?  You had him on the horror movie list, and I guarantee you that if you lock James in a room with Jason Voorhees and wait about three minutes, Jason’s gonna break down that door and the only thing left in that room will be VAMPIRE PASTE.

Jason Voorhees has walked away from an outboard motor to the HEAD.  It took better than three thousand rounds of small arms fire and a hand grenade JUST to kick off Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday, and they’re handing the nod to a sparkly vampire?

I’m already hanging my head with shame, but I can at least take hope knowing that they didn’t try to hand this godawful mess a horror award.  If that would’ve happened I think I would’ve had to flee the country.

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