Screenhead

Yes, yes… Marty won a shiny statue. We’ve had a day to absorb that and do our little happy dance for one of Our Greatest Living Directorsâ„¢. Now remains the hard work of assessing the behemoth that was the rest of the ceremony.

And, man, did it feel more like a ceremony than ever – a Catholic mass, to be specific, something I know all too well. All the requisite parts were there: the obligatory standing and sitting at designated times, the long, boring speeches, the odd (some would even say pointless) rituals, somber-ish remembrances of the dead, and the complete and utter lack of surprise. This was, in spite of featuring “the most wide-open contests in recent memory” according to the so-called experts, one of the most predictable Academy Awards in a long, long time. Apart from Eddie Murphy, all of the favorites won, and even Eddie lost to the acknowledged favorite to beat Eddie. Yawn.

What we need is drama! You’d think that professional entertainers would know a thing or two about the subject, but clearly the details escape them when it comes to their awards shows. Why not transform the Oscars into an American Idol-type show where the audience in the theater votes for the winner via buttons on their armrests? Or let the (theoretically) billion people watching vote via text message? Hell, just let the winners duke it out, and whoever makes it to the stage first gets the prize. Anything but this!

But, alas, this will never happen, because Academy producers’ sphincters are far too tight, and this is serious business, not entertainment!

Other low-lights of the evening:

• Whoever let Ellen host in a tracksuit should have their fashionista union card revoked. When she walked out, the audience must have thought she just came from playing hoops at the gym.
• Why did they move the Best Supporting Whatever awards from the front of the show? At least put someone recognizable on the stage early on. It gives people something to reminisce about while they listen to the sound effects editor thank his dog.
• The whole shadow-dancers bit was kind of neat until they started using props. Then it just seemed like cheating.
• And while we’re on the subject, couldn’t they have consolidated the shadow thing to one segment instead of peppered throughout the show, so people with Tivos could just fast forward through it all?
• Since we’re talking about weird performance art: If I wanted to listen to people making sound effects with their mouths, I would have flipped over to TNT to watch Police Academy 4.
• Nicholson’s head creeped me out a little. I hope he’s doing it for a role and not because he has rampant head lice.
• Al Gore should be President, be he should not be allowed to speak in public. Ever. Particularly not at an event already straining the limits of tedium as this one.
• Ben Affleck should not be introduced as an “Academy Award-winning screenwriter,” even if it’s true. That flashback in Family Guy pretty much ruined it for everyone. (Matt Damon to Affleck: “You’ve done nothing but eat Breyers and smoke pot for the last six months.”)
• I think it’s fair to say that Tom and Nicole both went downhill since the split. She appears to have had her skin turned into a drumhead, and he’s, well… Let’s just say he’s added a lot of baggage over the past few years. No more!
• I’m going to say this once: Singing louder and/or more notes does not make you a better singer. I felt really sorry for the third Dreamgirl, whatever her name is, because she simply didn’t stand a chance between all the grandstanding up there.
• Celine Dion, whom I thought we were finally rid of, reappeared to sing a song that, last I checked, had no lyrics. Where’s Dorothy and a bucket of water when you need them?

So you’re probably saying, Patrick, if you’re so smart, how would you have improved the show? Fair enough: Get rid of every award except for the directing, acting, music, and picture awards. Get the show down to 90 minutes. And give everybody drinks, like at the Golden Globes. In fact, institute a six-drink minimum. Of malt liquor.

And let Borat host.