Screenhead

No one really sees a movie like Terminator: Salvation coming.

I know, that’s a baffler—who didn’t see this one coming? Hollywood’s frantic and desperate for cash in the worst economy since the seventies, quite possibly since the Great Depression itself. Of COURSE they’re going to exploit every single property they have in their arsenal in the insane search for More Money.

But where the unexpected part is when one of these insane cash grabs actually turns out to be good. That’s just unaccountable. Downright unfathomable, even.

In this installment, we’ve gone ahead to the not-too-distant future (nine years away, folks!) of 2018. A military installation called Skynet, an artificial intelligence designed to run the military has become self-aware and decided that humanity may be the greatest threat to its existence. So, with its control of the vast American nuclear arsenal, Skynet took care of the problem the only way it knew how—it enacted the Bush Doctrine and freed the hell out of us.

Now, a ragtag human resistance wages a continuous war against the machines, Skynet’s android soldiers, each a part of Skynet’s vast network. A series of time travel efforts and such have put us to the ultimate position where Skynet’s out to kill a thirteen year old boy before he can be sent back in time to have sex with a waitress in the 1980s so that she can give birth to the greatest military figure the world has ever known. Yeah, I know—it’s a bit confusing, but factor out the time travel and things work out a LOT better, trust me. To that end, Skynet’s out to kill both John Connor, the greatest military figure guy, and Kyle Reese, the thirteen year old time traveler and Connor’s daddy by using an android so sophisticated that it seems to leapfrog all of Skynet’s current advances (the prototype is the superior model? Huh?) that it manages to even keep its android nature a secret from itself.

I’m personally glad to see a Terminator that’s actually set in the future. Usually all we get to see of the future war is brief, and dark (like at night dark) before they jump back to present-day Los Angeles. Though looking at the movie leaves me with a whole lot of questions—why the massive technological disparity between Skynet’s forces and human forces, for one? Humans are basically using twentieth century tech whilst Skynet’s running around with superhuman vertol aircraft with hover capabilities, giant robotic soldiers easily four times the height of a Seven-Eleven, and plasma cannons. Meanwhile, humans have…um…machine guns? Unusually small grenade launchers? Nothing that wouldn’t have already been found in the Gulf War?

Wow…we SUCK. Seriously, didn’t anyone even think to grab one of those Terminators they shut down and try and at least figure out how they’re so clearly bulletproof?

And don’t even get me started on how Marcus Wright is the first significant Terminator infiltrator, but he’s clearly superior to even Skynet’s latest version despite the fact he was made BEFORE SKYNET ITSELF.

But when I ignore the massive array of downright impossibilities that this movie represents, and all the weird plot holes, what I get is a fun little action movie / popcorn romp that’s fairly watchable when taken by itself. This is downright tailor-made for summer movie season, and even though it represents a canon-wrecker on par with anything we’ve ever seen, it does at least prove entertaining.

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