Screenhead

Ohhhhh boy.

Folks, I’m going to advise you up front, what you’re about to see will be disturbing.

Because what you’re about to see may well involve greed on a level so blatant as to rival Enron.  You’re about to see the characters from the horrendous Twilight saga used to hawk Vitamin Water from Sobe.

You can find the ad directly below–I’ve brought it in from YouTube, where I found it in the first place–and watch all you like.  It is downright horrifying.

Oh, sure, the marketeer in me sees this as a great idea to hawk overpriced water to a bunch of tweenagers who are more than happy to plunk down mommy and daddy’s money to get their hands on this crap because they saw it in New Moon or whatever.  But the normal human being in me, the part that hasn’t been infected by marketing, understands that this is a godawful use of licensed characters to hawk product.

And that just cheapens us all.

On October 31, Nordstrom and Summit Entertainment invite Twilight fans to take advantage of a special opportunity to meet select cast members of The Twilight Saga: New Moon at select Nordstrom stores. The cast appearances are being held to celebrate the highly-anticipated November 20 release of the second movie in Summit’s Twilight film saga. Nordstrom launched an exclusive clothing and jewelry collection inspired by the mood and spirit of the film in early October.

Customers can visit nordstrom.com/newmoon for more details about how to acquire VIP access on Saturday, October 31, at 8:00 a.m., to be one of 75 customers to meet the cast.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon cast members will visit the following Nordstrom stores: 

    November 5- Topanga (Canoga Park, CA)**

    November 8- Park Meadows (Lone Tree, CO)*

    November 9- Natick Collection (Natick, MA)*

    November 10- The Galleria (Houston, TX)*

    November 11- Mall of America (Bloomington, MN)*

    November 11- Cherry Hill Mall (Philadelphia, PA)*

    November 11- Stonestown Galleria (San Francisco, CA)*

    November 12- Perimeter Mall (Atlanta, GA)

    November 12- Southcenter (Tukwila, WA)*

    November 13- Aventura Mall (Aventura, FL)

    November 13- Scottsdale Fashion Square (Phoenix, AZ)*

    November 14- Fashion Place (Murray, UT)*

* These malls will also host a talent question and answer forum in the mall which will be open to the public.

** 125 customer VIP packets will be available for the Topanga event only. The mall will not host a talent question and answer forum.

Select Nordstrom stores will also offer customers advanced movie screening passes as gifts with purchase (see nordstrom.com/newmoon for participating stores and details), and will host in-store styling parties on November 14 and 15. Customers can visit nordstrom.com/newmoon to learn what events are taking place at their nearest Nordstrom store and sign-up for email alerts.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon directed by Chris Weitz and starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner will be released November 20, 2009. In the film, the romance between mortal and vampire soars to a new level as Bella Swan (Stewart) delves deeper into the mysteries of the supernatural world she yearns to become part of–only to find herself in greater peril than ever before. Following Edward Cullen’s (Pattinson) departure from Forks, Wash., and Bella discovers his image comes to her whenever she puts herself in jeopardy. In time Bella’s frozen heart is gradually thawed by her budding relationship with Jacob Black (Lautner) who has a supernatural secret of his own.

Here is the New Moon film clip of the transformation of Jacob into a wolf looks awesome!  I suspect we will see more clips before the movie opens November 20, 2009.  By the way, New Moon pre-ticket sales for opening day has sold out at one of the major movie theaters  in my city.  It looks like the movie is going to be a big money maker.

So now I’m officially bewildered, having see plenty of the Tempe crew’s work before, I know that usually they love loads of fake blood and a whole lot of nonsensical plot elements, but they’ve officially gone round the bend with Taintlight.

Yes, it’s basically exactly what you think it is.  It’s all about a girl who falls in love with a vampire with perfectly tousled hair. A werewolf who’s into Michael Jackson songs will also show up to contest for the young lady’s affections, and all the while “real” vampires are roaming Bonejack Heights (the town this all takes place in) and sucking the populace dry, with only the vampire with the lovely hair to stand between them and total sanguinary subjugation.

I’ve seen some really awesome Twilight parodies in my time, but Taintlight has to be the most preposterous one I’ve heard yet.  I only wonder if Doctor Bonejack or Teen Ape will show up (those being two of Tempe’s favorite characters).  After all, you can’t have a Tempe horror romp without the Destruction Kings, can you?

Or maybe you can….

Twilight buffs take note, and I know there are a LOT of you–you’ll be extraordinarily happy to know that at Spike’s 2009 Scream Awards, you’ll be getting a special first look at some footage from the newest movie in the Twilight saga, New Moon.

Members of the cast will also apparently be in attendance that evening, though if it’s anything like the MTV movie awards you can look for Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart to have run off and left Taylor Lautner holding a massive freaking bag once again.  I bet they exchanged some choice words after that debacle, I tell you what.

Anyway, that’s not the only thing going into the Scream Awards–you’ll also get a farewell tribute from some of the cast of Battlestar Galactica, plus some of the cast of True Blood, which is a pretty decent show in its own right, will also be in attendance.

So you’ll definitely want to be on hand, for one reason or another, when the fourth annual Scream Awards hit Spike October 27th.

First off, yes, Kristen Stewart DOES in fact have an action figure, based on her character Bella from the truly godawful Twilight series that everyone seems to love despite all logic and good common sense.

But anyway, she’s not terribly happy with that action figure, and you won’t believe why.

It turns out it has…ahem…larger attributes than she does.  I’ll let her be more specific:

“I think she has a much bigger rack than I have,” Kristen said. “I also think she looks much older than me.  I guess I can live with that. In fact, I’m getting used to the bigger rack.”

There are a great many things that could be said at this point but most of them would likely get me sued by somebody for some reason or another.  I’ll just suffice it to say that Hollywood’s weirdness truly knows no bounds.

You know, sometimes strange things happen as a part of this operation, and there are few more enjoyable times for me than passing them on to you.

Only recently, a new trailer emerged for the upcoming direct to video release of Twilight in Forks, or essentially, the Twilight documentary.

Yes, you read that right–a documentary, about TWILIGHT.

See, what you may not know is that, up in the wilds of Washington, there really is a small logging town called Forks, and it’s the same town Twilight is set in.  If you were to go there, you’ll find out in the documentary, and go to a store called Forks Outfitters, you’ll actually MEET BELLA.

Well, not the movie Bella…or even the book Bella.  But rather, A Bella.  There really is a Bella working at Forks Outfitters.  Man, if ever there were a reason for Twifans to go swarming the place, the chance to meet Bella would probably top the list.

Once this gets out, Forks had better prepare for an onslaught of tourists the likes of which it’s never seen before.  And I’ve even got the trailer for you below, just one day old.  Enjoy!

Finally, some good news on the vampire front.

After years of being pummelled with Anne Rice and the…Twilight saga…we’re finally getting some good news!  The big item today is that, the best vampire movie of the twenty first century, 30 Days of Night, will start shooting on a sequel this October!

Man, I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t be happier!  Finally, we’re going to see vampires done right for a change!  No sparkling!  No angst!  No sorrow and muttering, no hiding from the world,  no cheesy love story–just the scariest thing of all, something that replaces humanity as the top of the food chain and intends to stay there.

Stella Oleson will be coming back, according to reports, but the sad news is that she’ll be recast as Melissa George is out for reasons unreported.  All of this pretty much confirms the lack of  theatrical release possibilities for the next round of 30 Days of Night, but still–any proper showing of vampires as the monsters they are is downright welcome.

Of course, purists and fans of the Darren Shan series, which we’ll be talking about today, already know that The Vampire’s Apprentice, which is basically a kind of Twilight aimed at tweenage BOYS rather than tweenage GIRLS, actually came first.

But when it comes to the movies, the first-mover advantage is crucial, and one thing’s clear–Twilight got it.

Anyway, we’re talking The Vampire’s Apprentice, which features one of those tweenage boys I was talking about who visits a freak show with a friend, only to discover that the freaks are a lot more real than he could have imagined.  And when one of them offers our boy–Darren Shan by name–the chance to become a vampire, he jumps at it.

Wouldn’t you?

Anyway, he discovers that vampirism isn’t all bloodsucking and cool powers, as he’ll learn the secrets of his new life while becoming the vampire’s apprentice.

Sounds cool, sure enough–vastly better than the nonstop parade of drama and suck that is the Twilight saga.  But will it pack the same kind of appeal the Twifans can bring to the game?  Only one way to find out–and we’ll find out this October when The Vampire’s Apprentice starts up.

Jack Huston will be growing some fangs for Twilight Saga: Eclipse, the third installment of the Twilight movies based on Stephenie Meyer’s novels.

Huston joins Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Bryce Dallas Howard. He will play Royce King II, a human that lived during the Great Depression.

Production starts soon in Vancouver under the direction of David Slade. It’s scheduled for a June 30 release. 

Jack Huston is the grandson of director John Huston and nephew of actors Anjelica Huston and Danny Huston.

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