The afterlife makes just a little less sense than normal in recent Newgrounds favorite At Heaven’s Gates.
This online short video involves a young man named Bill, who dies and confronts St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven (hence the title), and discovers that he, along with humanity in general, is a lot more complex than he ever expected.
On a theological viewpoint, this is a complete load. But then, we really didn’t come here for theological accuracy, now did we? We came here for a quick giggle and that’s exactly what we got, a quick giggle. Not a loud one, or a long one, but we got one, and at the end of the day that counts for a whole lot more than you think. Especially since, to see it, you invested no cash and just a bit of time. So if you see this, you’ll likely come out ahead. Not by much, granted, but ahead nonetheless.
Popularity: 1% [?]
You’ve got to hand it to the boys out at Newgrounds–they’ve got a good healthy respect for the idea of multinationalism. It’s good, on a limited level, to keep in touch with and learn from the rest of the world, and thus, the crew behind $00pah NIN10Doh! (Super Nintendo for those of you what don’t habla leetspeak or its many vague approximations) put together a video for the Chinese crowd, who apparently went nuts for Sonic back in the late eighties to mid nineties. Dubbed $eG@, it’s the same kind of humor the original had, complete with comparable loading screen.
Sadly, this one isn’t as funny as the Nintendo versions, mostly because it doesn’t have the same rapid-fire delivery as the earlier iterations. Where the Nintendo versions featured several jokes launching in rapid succession, one after the next, the Sega versions jokes run overlong. For instance, there’s one section where Knuckles is dancing to an entire song. It’s the same animation over and over again, not even a funny text crawl. It’s just Knuckles…dancing…for at least a minute. A solid minute. I actually feel BAD that I wasted the bandwidth to watch this dreck.
What happened, guys? You put together a great set of packages for Nintendo–I understand you were going for a bit of an April Fool’s joke, but damn, could you not show a little love for the Sega? Could’ve mocked Altered Beast or Golden Axe or even Alex-freaking-Kidd. But no…all Sega fans get are a couple stale jokes and one particularly funny segment.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Maybe I just don’t get romances. And the one I found on Newgrounds–yes, I know how it sounds, but believe me it’s not a contradiction in terms–just plain old left me baffled. It’s called If You Seek, and it’s a strange and complex little epic.
I could summarize the whole thing in a few sentences, but basically, a guy finds a note on his kitchen counter then starts running around like a lunatic for some reason until he finds a woman standing under a tree. That’s the entire video. Does he know this woman? What was on that note, anyway? Why did he bother to go to the coffee shop in the first place? I don’t get it.
Like a neutered dog, I just don’t get it. There’s so much here that goes seemingly unexplained that I’m at a loss. Sure, there are plenty of possibilities, but without knowing which possibility is correct they’re just possibilities. I’ve never liked movies that don’t have at least a note of certainty to them, and this one doesn’t even have a post-it. But if you’re all about the sappy romance, well, you could probably do worse than If You Seek. Probably, anyway.
Popularity: unranked [?]
When a short Flash animation like Mad Mad Mario hits Newgrounds and comes with a caveat like: “…me and my buddy drank way too many beers and came up with this little gem. I about wrecked my voice on this one.” you can be fairly confident that what you’re about to see will be a total winner.
Well, I’m rather convinced that it’s a winner. I’m just not sure of what. Because in this one, we’ll finally discover how Mario, of Super Mario Brothers fame, feels about continually rescuing Princess Toadstool from Bowser. And it turns out, he’s not happy about it.
It’s sort of a one-note joke, but for all the time you’ll put into watching it, it’s worth the time just to see Mario’s fantastic rage blast and Bowser’s surprising reaction to Mario’s fury. It’s funny, if a bit misogynistic and angry, but still–watching Mario have a screaming meltdown is no less funny for the awkwardness. This is worth the minute and a half or so you’ll put into it.
Popularity: 1% [?]
If you’re in the market for fast, funny animation, then you can rest fairly confidently knowing that Newgrounds will, generally, have your back. And this time, they offer up a fun little title called 8-Bit Waterslide.
Interestingly, the title describes the plot perfectly–it’s an eight-bit figure taking on a particularly massive and tortuous water slide. He’ll be cruising along at improbable speeds over improbable terrains, and what happens to the poor guy will be downright hilarious.
Also, keep your eyes front for a surprising twist ending. This one comes out of nowhere, and it’ll be an absolute doozy. Trust me on this one; it’s a winner. And for about thirty seconds of run time, you’ll get a good twenty seconds of laughs out of it. What more could you want from an online video?
Popularity: 1% [?]
If you remember the eighties, then maybe you remember a nefarious little line of toys designed to enslave little girls and turn them into amateur horse groomers before their seventh birthday. I’m speaking, of course, of My Little Pony. Thus, when I found a short film o the same title on Newgrounds, I had to watch. What can I say? I’m a glutton for punishment.
I’ll be honest with you–my childhood revolved around all your typical guy things like Nintendo and He-Man. I was well versed in the names of movie monsters, even if I didn’t actually watch horror movies until I was twelve. And I tell you this–as red-blooded a male as I was then and am now, if My Little Pony had been THIS AWESOME back then, I would’ve had half a dozen. I’m not going to tell you a whole lot about it, because you need to see it, but let’s just say that speed metal and exploding cats will be involved.
This may be one of the most fantastic parody trailers I’ve seen in some while. I just wish I could’ve seen an entire episode of THIS kind of My Little Pony–it might well have been more awesome than any of my memories of old cartoons.
Popularity: 1% [?]
There are days when I really love Newgrounds. Especially on those days when I, just after releasing a review about Twilight, come out with an uproarious parody video called Twilight: The Broodening that explains clearly the numerous ways in which the book and movie were both wrong and / or just plain idiotic.
And as it turns out, there are many–of course, we all know that Twilight just DESTROYED every known convention about vampires in favor of doing things that would attract twelve year old girls (Sparkly vampires? Are you out of your mind??), and there’s plenty of problems IN the movie itself that really haven’t been considered because we were all too busy recovering from the psychic shock presented to pick it cleanly apart.
No one really wants to analyze a nuclear reactor when the coolant rods are out and the plutonium’s on fire, you know.
Call it troll bait for the Rob Pattinson forum, call it sheer fun for everyone who had to sit through this dreck, call it whatever you like–it’s The Broodening.
Popularity: unranked [?]
So I’m out on Newgrounds, where I’m pretty convinced that eventually they’re going to have to give me my own wing, when I find one of the latest features, Purgatory Pizza.
It’s an interesting little animation, and chances are, you’re wondering what if anything it has to do with the title. Simple. Purgatory Pizza, you see, is all about a Domino’s Pizza-esque restaurant (that’s currently in a vicious competition with Red Lobster and its perennial favorite Lobsterfest), staffed by several “failed species” and a demon thrown out of hell for cheating Satan at a game of Warhammer.
It’s a great idea, really–with a few extra connections behind it it could be a failed sitcom on ABC, and it almost was with “Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place”–but the only problem is that this initial run goes nowhere, really. It’s exactly like thin crust in that it’s a GREAT idea. More room for toppings by making less crust? AND it’s better for you? Wow! But when you put it into PRACTICE it just can’t hold up. If this is the start of a series, then hey, I’m all for it. But in its current form, despite some clever jokes, it’s just not that worth getting into.
Popularity: 1% [?]
I have to admit, it takes a serious set of stones for a video’s creators to give its audience advance warning, especially on Newgrounds, where most warning comes in the form of “there are boobies in this”. And the creators of Voyage Episode One: Departure gave us a doozy of a warning–this is the content of said warning: What you’re about to watch is not a comedy, so don’t attack it in voting because it’s not funny. This is experimental in nature, so expect strange things. Download the free music because it’s awesome.
So assuming you’re still interested in seeing this, you’ve already had two major hopes dashed. It will not be funny, nor will it make sense. It’s experimental in nature. It’s organized around a song called “Unconsciousness”. What’s next, someone’s going to cover an entire McDonald’s in cooking lard and declare it the enemy of the state’s arteries? Seriously, folks, my Pomposity Meter is just PEGGING right now and I haven’t even started the video.
But starting the video revealed something interesting–the warnings largely were unnecessary. Yes, it wasn’t funny, but what it was instead was an intriguing and poignant vision of an abused boy who’s given a rare and unusual offer–leave the oppressive “care” of the horrible old man watching him for something else. Just what, we don’t know. And hopefully by the end, we WILL know. But for right now, I find myself ready for more. Unconsciousness made a surprisingly good background track for this, and the story is surprisingly engrossing.
Looking very much forward to episode two.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Some people shouldn’t be allowed to make videos on Newgrounds. Seriously, they just shouldn’t. It’s not right. They end up making the most pointless garbage ever, and one excellent example of pointless garbage is The Legend of Flounderman.
There really isn’t a plot to this–the title character, who seems to have a clock face for a head and resembles a flounder about as much as I resemble Miley Cyrus, decides to go to YouTube for entertainment, like so many of us have. While there, he encounters an annoying little video about an endlessly guffawing shark, which he then decides to emulate.
Someone needs to tell these putzes that when the video you’re emulating is annoying, the resulting product won’t be funny. And it looks like I’m nominated. Yes, The Legend of Flounderman is a pointless, godawful little epic, and it will waste the full minute you might spend watching it. Hopefully you won’t have to waste that minute like I did.
Popularity: 1% [?]