Screenhead

One thing is perfectly clear about Jean Claude Van Damme’s career–it’s been a long strange ride that’s been mostly downhill for the last twenty years or so.  It may have something to do with the fact that he’s been mostly doing the same ROLE for those last twenty years, but one clear difference, one even I have to applaud him for, is Replicant, now available on Blu-Ray thanks to Lions Gate.

Replicant, you see, puts Van Damme in two roles at once, as a serial killer is pursued by police who have a special weapon on their side, a clone of the killer taken from DNA found at one of the crime scenes.  Believing that they can recover “genetic memory” from the clone, they begin the long and arduous process of socializing their clone so that he can actually lead them to the killer.  And when the killer and the clone end up taking each other on, it remains to be seen whether nature or nurture will win out.

Replicant is a strange sort of animal, caught between freakishly idiotic science fiction and terribly interesting crime drama.  The science couldn’t be more wrong–watching the killer wince when his clone was brought online suggested a level of connection that’s never been even posited, let alone proven.

But watching Jean Claude Van Damme hide under a table, and act like everything he saw, he saw for the first time was well worth the price of admission.  This may well prove to be the best thing that Van Damme ever did as an actor, because it required him to, for once, ACT.  As opposed to his normal modus operandi of punch things and deliver lines.

The Screenhead Ten Scale, therefore, gives some due props to what may be one of Jean Claude Van Damme’s better roles, and gives Replicant a six out of ten.  Sure, the science is about as outlandish as is humanly possible, but the action is worth the watching, and there are vastly worse pieces out there.

For all of you out there who’ve wondered, debated, and otherwise obsessed over the idea of getting Jackie Chan and Jet Li together in the same movie, well, guess what, folks–this one’s for you. Especially if you ever wanted to watch the two of them fight, because they will, and it is awesome.

The Forbidden Kingdom brings together your two favorite martial arts action heroes in one handy package, but it also does more than that.  It’ll take a kung-fu movie buff and let him find one day, in a mystical pawn shop (for those of you who are already thinking Mogwai, NO, but don’t I wish?) , a STAFF.  But this is no ordinary staff…no sir.  This staff transports our martial arts buff back to what might well be Three Kingdoms-era China.  And when he gets there, he’s going to become part of a much greater war than he ever saw coming.  Now he’s going to have to use that staff to free–get this–the Monkey King.  And along the way, our kung-fu buff is going to learn something about himself, as is the standard for this sort of thing.

One, it’s absolutely SPECTACULAR to see Jackie Chan at least partially reprise one of his greatest roles ever as the Drunken Master.  He says he’s using Drunken Fist style,  but I’ll tell you this–the guy he plays fights better when he’s hammered, and that’s the modus operandi of the Drunken Master.

Two, while they’re plenty of spectacular action in this, there’s also plenty of great laughs.  Watching the Monkey King fight is just a riot, and Jackie Chan is, of course, one of the greatest action comics EVER.

There’s a lot to love here–you just got two points worth above–and there’s plenty more where those two came from.  Watching this is just downright amazing.  The immersion level is almost criminally high–it’s too good not to pay attention to.  The action, the comedy, the occasional drama…it’s just plain wonderful.

The Forbidden Kingdom may well be one of the best martial arts movies I’ve seen in quite some time, possibly ever.  Bringing together some of the greats in the industry like this is no small feat, and giving them a sweet storyline to work within is even better.  They’ll even manage to pack in a whole slew of surprises.  Frankly, watching Jackie Chan duke it out with Jet Li was easily the biggest one of the bunch, and the best part is, that’s only the beginning.  Pay careful attention to the dual roles–that’s a REALLY big one.

The effects are spectacular, riots of color and light shows for days, the music is tailor made, the performances are just spot-on and I really don’t believe that I can say enough about this movie.  It’s great fun and seemingly without flaw, at least without any flaw that I could spot.

At it’s root, The Forbidden Kingdom is just great martial-arts movie fun.  If you’ve enjoyed pretty much anything Jackie Chan or Jet Li have done, from Drunken Master to Wong Fei Hung, then you’re going to get as big a bang out of this as I did.  The Screenhead Ten Scale knows a good thing when it sees it, and hands out its first ever ten out of ten.  It’s just entirely too good to not.

You’d think that, if Will Ferrell were involved in a movie, especially one that purports to be a comedy, it would wind up being, you know, funny.  But apparently Ferrell’s comedy chops have been badly dulled by being chased by dinosaurs and dressing up like elves, because if this is Ferrell’s standard, he wouldn’t recognize a comedy if it crawled up his pant leg and started licking him.

Today we’re tackling The Foot Fist Way, a comedy in name only that will thoroughly fail on many levels.

When a small-town tae kwon do instructor, a lunatic obsessive control-freak by the name of Mr. Simmons, gets wind of his wife’s infidelities, he snaps completely.  Forced to confront his own inner nature, he sets out on a pilgrimage to meet his personal hero, martial arts legend Chuck “The Truck” Wallace.  But when he discovers that the Truck has more problems than he does, will it break the snapped man completely, or will it help the man heal by showing him worse than he is?

As a comedy, The Foot Fist Way  falls tremendously flat.  In all honesty, I didn’t laugh for the first half hour.  I could spot several jokes, but not one of them managed to hit.  Simmons is way too big of a jerk to be that entertaining, especially early on as he doesn’t get much of a comeuppance for his unseemly behavior.  When he does, it seems too much like karma biting him hard in the ass to be anything funny.  It’s more satisfying than funny, but it’s a bitter sort of satisfaction.  Frankly, I want to beat the hell out of this guy myself.  By the time the movie was half over I found myself desperately longing to douse his little porn-star mustache in kerosene and light it up.

That having been said,  I did manage to get some laughs out of the second half, but even then, these were uncomfortable laughs coming from a guy who was so thoroughly unsettling that the only thing left to do was to laugh.

It tried, really it did, but the end result was just so flat, the jokes so frequently unsuccessful that it generated few laughs.  Half of those laughs were sad ones, besides.  The point of this, at the end of it all, just escapes me.  I spent this movie bored out of my skull, and how anyone could be interested in this is quite thoroughly beyond me.

You know there’s no way I’m going to recommend this slag heap to anyone.  It’s dull, it’s shoddy, the production values are like something out of the very worst direct to video sludge pile.  The dialogue is overblown and vastly overdone.  It makes entirely too much out of itself, and falls apart in virtually every point.

The Foot Fist Way is a sad little wreck of a film.  It fails on virtually every front–a comedy that can’t elicit laughs is meaningless–and may well be the single dullest thing I’ve seen in weeks.  The Screenhead Ten Scale is going to punish this lump of solid misery by giving it a full one out of ten.

At least it showed up.  It didn’t do much else, though.

Screenhead is hosting a giveaway for Supercop, the Dragon Dynasty label; another high-flying action packed adventure starring Jackie Chan. Supercop arrives onto DVD shelves in a two disc ultimate edition January 13, 2009 from The Weinstein Company and Genius Products.  

Supercop tells the adrenaline-fueled story of a Hong Kong police officer who teams with a beautiful but “by the book” agent in order to bring down the region’s most notorious and merciless drug cartel.  Going undercover as siblings, the unlikely duo must utilize use their explosive kung fu skills and resourcefulness to dissolve the infamous syndicate. 

Supercop features the legendary kung fu master, Jackie Chan (The Forbidden Kingdom, Rush Hour) and Michelle Yeoh (The Mummy 3, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon), and co-stars Maggie Cheung (Jet Li’s Hero).  The martial arts movie is directed by Stanley Tong (Mr. Magoo).

Post your name and Screenhead will pick the winner Wednesday, January 14, 2009.

The winner is post #125, Jenny, Congratulations!!! Enjoy the DVD!!

Here is what Jenny won:

Some martial arts enthusiasts have touted The Heroes of the East as the martial arts film to own. 

The story is about a Chinese man who marries a Japanese woman through an arranged marriage. Somehow he manages to insult her Japanese martial arts family by issuing a challenge to her that is misunderstood by the them and repercussions ensue. The newlywed must prove his Chinese Kung Fu skills as a fighter through a series of duels with the seven Japanese martial artists who come to meet the challenge.

Samantha Pruitt, Post #119, won again! Congratulations!! This what she won:

Swordplay, savagery and blood-chilling thrills reign supreme in this outrageous mixture of martial arts and the macabre from Shaw Brothers! Two rivals, one rich and the other poor, enter an unholy pact to win an annual lantern-creating contest in their village; however, the terrifying secret behind their remarkable creations lies within the supple flesh of local maidens, who are disappearing at the hands of a demonic assailant! Now featuring shocking scenes too extreme for its Asian DVD release, this unflinching action-horror masterpiece is now finally available to American audiences to enjoy full strength and full throttle!

Reportedly Fist of Legend is one of the greatest martial arts films ever made. Noticeably Legend is a soaring spot in the careers of both star Jet Li and legendary fight choreographer Yuen Wo Ping.  Owing a decent copy of Fist of Legend is now available through Dragon Dynasty with a two disc release — non-dubbed, decent transfer – edition.  The DVD comes to the shelves September 2^nd.  I highly recommend you pick up the DVD and add it to your library.

Congratulations Zoly, Post #104, you won the Come Drink Me, martial arts classic film on DVD.

Come Drink With Me sets the bar for sword wielding kung fu heroines. The film stars the legendary fight queen Cheng Pei-pei as Golden Swallow. She’s a deadly agent sent to rescue a kidnapped official from a bandit clan.

Giveaway details below!

Come Drink With Me sets the bar for swordwielding kung fu heroines. The film stars the legendary fight queen Cheng Pei-pei as Golden Swallow. She’s a deadly agent sent to rescue a kidnapped official from a bandit clan.

This martial arts classic belongs in all DVD libraries; especially if you are a fan of the Shaw Brothers.

Sure there’s subtitles but the visual and martial arts takes you away from all that. 

Special Features include interviews with Cheng Pei-pei and Yueh Hua.

To win this giveaway post your name and I will draw the winner Friday, July 11th.

Good luck!!

 

Demi Moore signed on for two indie films, working back-to-back.  First one is a family drama about miscalculations in life that take pause to angst.  Second one is a martial arts story with a warlard, concubine and bartender.

“Happy Tears” includes Parker Posey who stars with Moore as sisters who angst over family relationships. “Bunraku” follows a man on a quest for revenge who finds him fighting a lot more than he imagined.  Woody Harrelson also stars as the bartender while Moore plays the concubine.  Apparently, the film is set in a la “Sin City” and mixes it up with different genres: German expressionism, video games, comic books, origami and puppets.