Screenhead

Admittedly, the above judgment of the newest installment of the Twilight series, New Moon, is something of a reflection of personal bias.  It wasn’t as bad as the last one, no, but by any basic measure it was still pretty unpleasant.

But as it turns out, I’m not alone.  Did you know that New Moon is currently carrying a quite thoroughly rancid twenty nine percent on Rotten Tomatoes?  The critical community is in polysyllabic loathing for this movie.

So how, dare I ask, is it breaking records?

Easy.

There’s a technique in politics called “rallying the base”.  Basically, it means to pander nonstop to the people most likely to appeal to what you’re standing for in order to win their absolute support.  For the Republicans back in 2008, it meant vaguely racist rallies that featured angry crowd members yelling “Sit down, boy!” to African-American cameramen.

For New Moon, it means a male cast that spends more time shirtless than delivering lines of any quality.

As horror movie producers have discovered for years, blood and naked chicks draw their base of 18-35 year old guys like no tomorrow.  Thus we discover what draws 18-35 year old women–vampire movies with a minimum of blood, ridiculous dialogue and shirtless guys.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Admittedly, when I went into New Moon this morning, I wasn’t expecting anything good.  My experience with Twilight was only a few months old, and it still hurt to think about that slow sludgy mess of sparkly emo boi vampires dragging the genre down with it.

But when I grit my teeth and walked in,  what I got was something somewhat different from what I was expecting.

Just to catch you up on the plot, we’re still with screechy loser Bella Swan and her sparkly emo boi vampire boyfriend Edward.  Only now, we discover that werewolves are also thrown in the mix (it was probably supposed to be a surprise but they tipped their own hand on this point MONTHS ago) and for some reason, both vampire Edward and relative newcomer werewolf Jacob Black are all very much into this pasty cipher of a girl who seems to exist for no other reason than to give the teenage girl fans in the audience an easy point for self-insertion.

Yes, there’s still plenty wrong with this whole thing.  One, none of these people can act worth a fart in a stiff wind–Kristen Stewart still seems dazed by the whole thing and is acting like she’s been suffering a concussion since about ten minutes into the first movie.  Robert Pattinson is a willowy mess–when he takes his shirt off and reveals his new “six pack” it looks like nothing so much as a man in desperate need of a SANDWICH.  Taylor Lautner is the girliest macho man I’ve ever SEEN.  He’s trying DESPERATELY hard to be some kind of bad-ass but then everything he tries is toned down so hard for the consumption of the tweenagers in the audience.  It’s like someone told him, “Be a bad boy, but don’t actually be THREATENING.”  He’s doing his best, I think, but he’s doing it under terribly strained conditions.

Also, why isn’t White Wolf suing holy hell out of Summit, Stephenie Meyer, et al for copyright violation?  I remember the nature-boy werewolves and cosmopolitan corporate vampires back when I was one of the handful of people playing the Rage card game back in 1995!  Now all of a sudden it’s a major motion picture and I don’t think White Wolf’s getting any taste on this.  They DO still have the license at last report even if it’s been sold more times than real estate.

But, like I said originally, this was better than I expected.  If for no other reason than the only way it could be much worse is if Stephenie Meyer personally came to theaters at random and gouged out the eyes of one of the viewers.  There was more action in this, and a developing storyline that still seems rather limited (White Wolf, for Pete’s sake, it’s werewolves versus vampires.  You did ALL this long before them!), but is actually somewhat bearable.

There’s still plenty of slow parts in this, though, and lots of reason to be unhappy, though not nearly as many as the FIRST Twilight installment gave us.

The Screenhead Ten Scale, naturally, agrees with me and hands over a five out of ten to a vampire franchise that may well be starting to look up.  If it continues improving at this rate, Breaking Dawn’s going to be a non-stop bloodbath and even I’ll be impressed.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Some of you can’t stay up late and watch the late, late shows of television. That said, tonight Jimmy welcomes Twilight’s leading lady – Kristen Stewart.  After last night’s appearance on Jay Leno – Taylor Lautner mentioned that Kristen has quite a throwing arm.  

Tonight- Jimmy tests her skills in part three of the interview!  Also, in two parts, we have the full interview with Kristen – including her discussing Martha Stewart’s Robert Pattinson dream, her big plans for Thanksgiving and plenty of exciting New Moon details. 

Popularity: unranked [?]

You can’t get enough of Kristen Stewart? 

Samuel Goldwyn Films just released a brand new official trailer and poster for The Yellow Handkerchief, starring Academy Award winner William Hurt, Kristen Stewart, Maria Bello and Eddie Redmayne. 

Maria Bello made a strong impression on me when I saw her in The History of Violence. Kristen Stewart character seems stronger than Bella in the Twilight movies. She looks pretty good in this trailer. 

The film hits theaters on February 12th 2010!

Popularity: unranked [?]

I love that line.  Really I do.  Because in it is the entirety of the movie Zombieland, opening in theaters today.

Zombieland brings us back with Jesse Eisenberg, the Michael Cera knockoff whom you may remember macking on a surprisingly able Kristen Stewart back in another movie about land, Adventureland.  Anyway, this time, naturally we’re in Zombieland, a world vaguely like our own but jammed to the hilt with zombies.  Those few human beings who are left find themselves forced to make deadly choices every day for the sake of survival, but yet, even here, they still manage to have dreams.  Simple dreams, for the most part. Thoroughly American dreams.  But will they capture those dreams?  Or will they be zombie chow?

After I finished watching this one, which I had been longing to see ever since I saw the trailer, one thought hit me like a bolt out of the blue.  This is just the Americanized version of Shaun of the Dead.  Zombieland was another hilarious zombie comedy, the only real difference here being that the thoroughly British qualities of Shaun of the Dead had been replaced by thoroughly American qualities.

Sure, everyone’s got a gun in Zombieland, but they’ll also feel that British influence (after all, Great Britain really IS the mother of America if you want to get metaphorical about it) by striking out with whatever’s handy.  Rakes, hedge clippers,  the Garden Weasel (the weirdest garden tool ever), even pianos on ropes–we’ll take out zombies with whatever we can get our hands on.

Yes, Zombieland is hilarious.  Woody Harrelson is much more talented than anyone gives him credit for (he actually WAS an action hero of sorts at one point), Jesse Eisenberg makes a great foil for Woody’s over-the-top lunacy, and the fact that Bill Murray is in this just made my jaw drop.

But Zombieland will actually make you think, too.  Think about the common dreams we all share.  Oh, sure…in Zombieland, the goals of the day are amusement parks, family and Twinkies, but is that really so far removed from baseball, mom and apple pie?  And in the end, when faced with those horrible choices, and left to, as the movie so dynamically puts it, “nut up or shut up”, you’ll find that more often than not, you’ll be better equipped to nut up than you thought.

There’s so much to like about Zombieland–hilarity, personal growth, violence, zombies, Bill Murray–that the list alone is reason enough to see this.  Zombieland is an incredible movie, and as such, I can’t believe what I’m about to do.

The Screenhead Ten Scale shares my horror and wonders if I’m going soft as I pound its override button like a test-your-strength mallet into a clown’s face and award Zombieland a full-on ten out of ten.  This is just too funny and too action-packed and even too scary not to see.

Popularity: 1% [?]

First off, yes, Kristen Stewart DOES in fact have an action figure, based on her character Bella from the truly godawful Twilight series that everyone seems to love despite all logic and good common sense.

But anyway, she’s not terribly happy with that action figure, and you won’t believe why.

It turns out it has…ahem…larger attributes than she does.  I’ll let her be more specific:

“I think she has a much bigger rack than I have,” Kristen said. “I also think she looks much older than me.  I guess I can live with that. In fact, I’m getting used to the bigger rack.”

There are a great many things that could be said at this point but most of them would likely get me sued by somebody for some reason or another.  I’ll just suffice it to say that Hollywood’s weirdness truly knows no bounds.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Twilight fans may find these two interviews lacking a bit of substance with a few words. The behind the scene footage isn’t much either, but you get a feel for how fast Kristen and Taylor can run.

The story New Moon picks up where Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is troubled by the unexpected departure of her vampire love, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson).  As most relationships happen with mystical creatures, she lightens up as her friendship with Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) starts to burn strong.  Before she can pull back and realize where her true loyalty belongs, she is in the world of the werewolves, ancestral enemies of the vampires.

Popularity: 1% [?]

How bad do things in Hollywood have to get before actors come out of the woodwork trying to be the next Michael Cena?  Well, if you ever wanted to know just HOW bad it had to get to get to that point, just ask Jesse Eisenberg, coming off his disastrous performance in Adventureland, the crappiest attempt at a comedy movie on Earth!  Well, this week, anyway.

In Adventureland, Jesse Eisenberg stars as James Brennan, a young man who’s just graduated from college, ready for his future with a degree in…comparative literature?…well, I guess that qualifies him for plenty of jobs.  Jobs like…waiter.  Oh wait, he couldn’t get that job.  Perhaps he can drive an asphalt mixer!  Nope…not that either.  In fact, there are a LOT of jobs that James can’t get, which he finds much to his dismay as he gets the news that his father’s been demoted, and thus the gravy train he was accustomed to has suddenly been derailed.  Thus, there’s no dream trip to Europe for James.  And no apartment rent help…and even his dreams of graduate school seem to be much in doubt.  Thus, James goes job hunting, and ends up in the one place where they’ll employ pretty much anyone with a pulse—Adventureland.

From there, James becomes embroiled in steamy coworker romances (it’s unimaginable to me how this total dork, who admits to reading poetry for entertainment, manages to land so many hot chicks throughout the course of the film), gets threatened at knifepoint for large stuffed animals, discovers that small time amusement parks cheat like no tomorrow when it comes to their ridiculous games, and of course, discovers that you too can become highly popular if you have several dozen joints available to pass out like lollipops at semi-random intervals.

Come to think of it, maybe THAT’S how he landed all the hot chicks.

But anyway—it’s hard to harsh on Adventureland too much.  Despite the fact that this thing sucks harder than certain astronomical phenomena (black holes!), it tries to be a good movie.  It really does; it’s as earnest and eager to please as its main character.  And it’s hard to hate a movie that really, REALLY wants you to like it.  And there are times when Adventureland pushes at the fabric separating good movies from bad.  You can tell, at some points, it’s really stretching the surface tension of that terminator between good and bad…until it just can’t keep up the effort and does something stupid or awkward to shut down its own progress.  It’s really rather sad.

Plus, I’ve got to throw a nod to always-competent Ryan Reynolds, and surprisingly-competent Kristen Stewart.  After the misery tour that was Twilight, I’d thought that she was a complete writeoff, but no…no, she actually managed to turn in a solid performance.

At least until the less-than-conclusive ending; if you actually subject yourself to it, chances are you will end up as disappointed as I was.

Despite Adventureland’s best efforts, it can’t manage to pull itself off the kiddie coaster and become a full-fledged high-flier.  It’s hard to hate a movie that wants so desperately to be good, but hate it I do, nonetheless.

Popularity: 1% [?]

You may well have been waiting for the review on this one with baited breath.

Yes, that’s right…today, just for you, my dear readers, I have descended into the valley of the shadow of suck and I have emerged on the other side, stronger for my trials but at the same time weak and weary from the road.  It took me just two hours to walk down that misery trail…but it felt like five.  Maybe even five and a half.

That’s right, I watched Twilight, and it was indeed as bad a movie as I had feared it would be.

The plot is fairly simple, and not too bad in and of itself–in Twilight’s world, vampires exist, but they’ve been heavily modified for the clear consumption of twelve year old girls.  Their condition is spread via the transmission of venom, they move with alarming speed that ALMOST but not quite looks like teleporting, they have superhuman strength, and they drink blood.  Any blood will do, surprisingly, but human is best.  Oh, and forget about the whole “sunlight and crosses” thing–sunlight just makes them sparkly (no, I’m NOT kidding) and crosses don’t seem to have any effect at all.  I seem to recall them walking past a couple without incident.  The only way you can actually KILL one of these things is to, according to the film itself “tear (them) apart and burn the pieces”.  So of course, a transplant teenager from a recently broken home named Bella is going to move within a few miles of one of these sparkly vampires, and naturally, they fall in love.

If you too can taste bile at this point rest assured you are not alone.  Twilight is easily one of the worst movies I’ve ever had the displeasure of sitting through.  This isn’t hyperbole, either.  This is sheer truth.  This movie HURT to watch it.  It caused me physical pain, mostly in my stomach but a bit in my head.

First, the acting is a solid lump of huge embarrassing failure.  Kristen Stewart should not be allowed within thirty feet of a camera ever again and Robert Pattinson’s every word makes me cringe.  It doesn’t help that they’re given some of the most overblown lines on the face of the earth, either–if Edward Cullen whined one more time about what a monster he is I was going to shoot him myself just to put him out of MY misery.  Let alone his–this guy is one of the biggest emo jerks I’ve ever seen.  What made the whole thing even harder to swallow was how it whipsawed so frantically between different KINDS of suck.  First it’s overblown, then it’s angsty.  Then it’s just boring and they spend twenty minutes talking about stuff.  It takes fully twenty minutes for the first interesting thing to happen in the movie, and frankly, it’s not that interesting.  Then they’ll spend roughly ten minutes TALKING about the interesting thing that happened!  And just when I think that’s over, suddenly my pretention meter starts pegging because Bella’s talking to her friends about what “strong, independent women” they are.

Perhaps the worst thing about Twilight is the fact that it is only the first in as many as six movies.  The misery has only just begun, folks…it’s only just begun.

And I’m not looking forward to anything else that comes out of this franchise.  This is as godawful as movies get, and I’m not eager to see how they tear open the floorboards and start digging now that they’ve found the bottom of the barrel.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Dakota Fanning is growing up. She is in talks to play lead singer Cheri Currie in The Runaways, the biopic of the ’70s all-girl band that will also star Kristen Stewart (Twilight) playing Joan Jett.

Scripted and directed by Floria Sigismondi, the film starts production in late spring.

Dakota is 15, the same age Currie was when she made her debut with the Runaways as the lead singer who belted out hard-edged tunes like “Cherry Bomb.” Currie became caught up in drugs and a hard-partying lifestyle.

Popularity: 1% [?]