Screenhead

Nope.  Not a chance.  Despite the fact that there are at LEAST twelve dwarves in The Hobbit, and John Rhys-Davies got off a three-film stint playing Gimli, he will NOT be appearing in The Hobbit.

There was some word he’d play Gimli’s father, who apparently figures in pretty heavily in this story, but Rhys-Davies himself was having none of it.  Dig the word:

“I’ve already been asked and to be honest with you, I wouldn’t. I have already completely ruled it out. There’s a sentimental part of me that would love to be involved again. Really I am not sure my face can take that sort of punishment any more.”

So that’s pretty much it, at least for the time being.  They asked, he demurred.  It’s pretty sad, because frankly, Rhys-Davies plays a pretty awesome dwarf, and having him come in on, say, Thorin Oakenshield would be a mindblower par excellence.

Of course, there’s always Warwick Davis….

Ian McKellen–excuse me, SIR Ian McKellan, though technically here in the states we don’t need to recognize foreign nobility titles but you’ve got to give credit where credit is due–might be coming back to reprise his Gandalf role in the upcoming Hobbit.

Now, I know we could have some semantic discussion as to whether or not it’s his role or his roles.  Suffice it to say he’ll be coming back as Gandalf the Grey, and won’t be getting bleached until later in the series so he’ll be dingy throughout.

You may have heard him say that he “doesn’t want to play Gandalf” again and took it to mean the worst possible thing ever, that he won’t be back to handle the role of Gandalf.  But as it turns out, what he meant was that he didn’t want to play “Gandalf” again but in SOME OTHER MOVIE.  He doesn’t want to, for example, play Dumbledore or Merlin.  He’s played Gandalf, as far as he’s concerned he’s played the BEST wizard role, and he means to stick with it.

This is frankly great news.  McKellen did an amazing job with Gandalf, even though I was only occasionally happy with the Lord of the Rings series, and I’m very much looking forward to having that man back.

Bryan Singer will direct the fantasy adventure Jack the Giant Killer. The movie is being fast track, so most likely Giant Killer will be his next project that goes into production even though he has two others on the burner.

Mark Bomback (Live Free or Die Hard) wrote the story from Darren Lemke’s original work. The story follows a princess who is kidnapped, threatening a long-standing peace between men and giants. A young farmer is given an opportunity to lead a dangerous expedition to the giants’ kingdom in hopes of rescuing her. 

Even though Giant Killer is being fast tracked, there is not start date yet.

The other two projects Singer is working on are Battlestar Galactica and the remake of Excalibur.

(Source)

Despite the fact that the first installment of Silent Hill was widely regarded as  a huge embarrassing failure, the rumors have been confirmed true–there will be a sequel.  Writer Roger Avary will be heading up work on the script,  which will hopefully manage to be, you know, GOOD, this time.

Okay, I’m being unfair, not to mention grossly oversimplifying things.  It’s not that Silent Hill was BAD, really, it’s more like the last fifteen or twenty minutes or so were a horrendous wreck.  The rest of it was at least passable, so I confess that I’m kind of looking forward to see what they do with Silent Hill 2 just to see if maybe this time they can fix some of the problems they had before. Oh, and the whole “it’s already well underway” line turned out to be a load.  By all available reports the script doesn’t even technically exist yet.

And they definitely had a lot of problems.  In fact, the problems from the last one were so big that, as of right now, no one can be a hundred percent sure if any of the original actors are coming back.  No one’s even really sure as to what the storyline is, either.

But hopefully things will improve and we don’t need to be afraid of how horrendously this one will turn out.

Well, it’s official, folks–Tron Legacy has a release date and that release date is December 17, 2010.

Its upcoming competition?  You’re going to love this–it’ll be taking on Yogi Bear, The Smurfs and The Green Hornet, which means it’s almost certain to be the top movie of that weekend if for nothing else than it’s based on the most recent source material?  Or was it the Smurfs that’s most recent?  Well, anyway, they’re both almost thirty years old at least, so chances are the adventures of Kevin Flynn’s son Seth will not be the overlooked one at the box office next Christmas.

I don’t hold out anywhere near so much hope for the Smurfs, however.  Or for Yogi…or for the Green Hornet for that matter.  But either way, I know which one of the four I’m actually hoping to see, and if my opinion is shared by any decent number of people, it’s gonna be a bloodbath.

So here’s a nifty bit of news for you–guess who’s on the short list to try the Bilbo Baggins role for the upcoming Hobbit movie.  And even more interestingly, guess who turned it down?  Both questions have the same answer: none other than Harry Potter himself, Daniel Radcliffe.

And while I DO think he would’ve made a pretty sweet Bilbo, I can’t help but not be disappointed (factor out the negatives–it works) that he didn’t sign on.  Oh, sure, he would’ve handled it well, and I can understand him not wanting to be typecast in fantasy roles (which is probably why he showed up nude in Equus), but I really do think there’s better out there.  Significantly better, in fact.  James McAvoy has already been suggested, and I’m all in favor of that.  Frankly, if it weren’t so obvious, I’d think Elijah Wood handled Frodo just fine–why not let him take a run at the younger Bilbo?

But regardless of who actually takes the role, you know they’re probably going to be the subject of huge discussion in the fan community, because this is just too big to leave in just anyone’s lap, and chances are, someone won’t like the end choice.

Now, this one’s got me a little freaked out because it’s working two sides of the quality fence all at once.  One, this is actually a Sci-Fi Channel movie.  It was actually on before I got my hands on a copy of the DVD.  I know, I know…it’s SyFy now, but frankly, I find that name both ludicrous and wrong.  Anyway, SyFy movies in the past have trended toward the “depressing wreckage” category and mostly rip off old monster flicks.  I spent years referring to them as Sci Fi Channel Not So Original Pictures, because frankly, their name, Sci Fi Channel Original Picture, was generally an outright lie.

And yet…and yet, I find myself encouraged, because this one, Merlin and the Book of Beasts, is an ANCHOR BAY release.  I’ve seen a LOT of Anchor Bay releases and I’ll tell you this much:  precious few Anchor Bay releases suck.  Anchor Bay is almost always good.

So what happens when “almost always bad” meets “almost always good”?  Let’s find out right now–however, you’re going to have to wait until August 25th to get this one.  That’s right, we’ve got another one fully a month ahead of schedule for you, so you can make your renting decisions well in advance!

This time, we’re looking at some pretty medieval badness here in Camelot–King Arthur’s gone missing, the Round Table is a lost cause and evil sorcerors are running riot all over the land.  With only a handful of knights left to defend the land, they’re going to be counting on legendary wizard Merlin to take charge and help restore Camelot to its former glory.  The downside, of course, is that Merlin’s pretty much had it with the whole wizard thing, and would rather be left alone.  But will he recover in time to answer the darkness sweeping Camelot?

I found myself wavering back and forth quite a bit on this one–both feeling the sweet Anchor Bay goodness in the fairly unique plot and solid special effects, and the cheesy SyFy rottenness in the overblown dialogue.  There’s greatness in this movie, and also plenty of unpleasantness.  They’ll add incredibly convenient, almost deus ex machina sort of plot effects to the whole thing, and frankly, nothing irritates me so much like a handy little macguffin that can solve everyone’s problems quick, easy and out of hand.

Even though I spent at least a little time gravely annoyed by this, I also spent a lot of time happy and entertained.  Merlin and the Book of Beasts is a downright exciting movie, with plenty of swords and sorcery action to be had.  Anyone who has even a vague interest in fantasy fare is probably going to be downright enamored with this.

At least up until the end, anyway, when more deus ex machina solutions come bursting forth and everything is rather conveniently solved by applications of things that had never been before mentioned.

So much of Merlin and the Book of Beasts is high-quality stuff, but there’s plenty of it that’s downright low-grade too.  It’s hard to dislike it for its failings, and yet, just as hard to like it for its successes.  It’s a downright mixed bag, and if you’re prepared to forgive some serious plot deficiencies, you’ll likely enjoy the deep fantasy action feel of the whole thing.

Merlin and the Book of Beasts takes home a six out of ten for having almost every one of its virtues canceled out with an equal part of flaw.

For all of you out there who’ve wondered, debated, and otherwise obsessed over the idea of getting Jackie Chan and Jet Li together in the same movie, well, guess what, folks–this one’s for you. Especially if you ever wanted to watch the two of them fight, because they will, and it is awesome.

The Forbidden Kingdom brings together your two favorite martial arts action heroes in one handy package, but it also does more than that.  It’ll take a kung-fu movie buff and let him find one day, in a mystical pawn shop (for those of you who are already thinking Mogwai, NO, but don’t I wish?) , a STAFF.  But this is no ordinary staff…no sir.  This staff transports our martial arts buff back to what might well be Three Kingdoms-era China.  And when he gets there, he’s going to become part of a much greater war than he ever saw coming.  Now he’s going to have to use that staff to free–get this–the Monkey King.  And along the way, our kung-fu buff is going to learn something about himself, as is the standard for this sort of thing.

One, it’s absolutely SPECTACULAR to see Jackie Chan at least partially reprise one of his greatest roles ever as the Drunken Master.  He says he’s using Drunken Fist style,  but I’ll tell you this–the guy he plays fights better when he’s hammered, and that’s the modus operandi of the Drunken Master.

Two, while they’re plenty of spectacular action in this, there’s also plenty of great laughs.  Watching the Monkey King fight is just a riot, and Jackie Chan is, of course, one of the greatest action comics EVER.

There’s a lot to love here–you just got two points worth above–and there’s plenty more where those two came from.  Watching this is just downright amazing.  The immersion level is almost criminally high–it’s too good not to pay attention to.  The action, the comedy, the occasional drama…it’s just plain wonderful.

The Forbidden Kingdom may well be one of the best martial arts movies I’ve seen in quite some time, possibly ever.  Bringing together some of the greats in the industry like this is no small feat, and giving them a sweet storyline to work within is even better.  They’ll even manage to pack in a whole slew of surprises.  Frankly, watching Jackie Chan duke it out with Jet Li was easily the biggest one of the bunch, and the best part is, that’s only the beginning.  Pay careful attention to the dual roles–that’s a REALLY big one.

The effects are spectacular, riots of color and light shows for days, the music is tailor made, the performances are just spot-on and I really don’t believe that I can say enough about this movie.  It’s great fun and seemingly without flaw, at least without any flaw that I could spot.

At it’s root, The Forbidden Kingdom is just great martial-arts movie fun.  If you’ve enjoyed pretty much anything Jackie Chan or Jet Li have done, from Drunken Master to Wong Fei Hung, then you’re going to get as big a bang out of this as I did.  The Screenhead Ten Scale knows a good thing when it sees it, and hands out its first ever ten out of ten.  It’s just entirely too good to not.

It may not surprise many of you to realize, as I sit here at the depths of three in the morning writing this up, having braved the terrors of a quite thoroughly packed 12:01 showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, that I had something of a crisis of conscience writing this one up.

After all, I said to my screen, balefully, and sucking back a cup of hot green and white fusion tea against whatever diseases the numerous little hellions that were in that theatre were carrying, was there anyone out there who was going to actually NEED this movie reviewed for them?  Surely pretty much everybody has already made their decision–most of the people planning to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince had likely bought their tickets weeks prior, and those without plan to see it refuse to do so on religious grounds, convinced quite thoroughly that Harry Potter is enslaving the youth of America and pushing them down a dark path of satanic witchcraft, wicca, and voting Democrat.

Anyway, the plot: Harry’s back for yet another year at Hogwart’s, learning all about potions and wands and assorted mystical hoodoo whatnot.  Meanwhile, the vague creeping evil that is Lord Voldemort still pretty much refuses to show itself except through his minions.  This time, not only does Harry and company have to defend the school and its inhabitants from the advances of the dark lord, but they’ll also deal with all those typical teenage things like crushes, fending off aggressive suitors, and countering the occasional misdirected love potion.  Describing the plot in much more than these vague terms would require massive spoilers, because this plot is very much dependent on its specifics.

I’m rather convinced Harry’s going for his master’s or something because he’s been there several years.  Even the characters are getting a little bored of it–there’s one really great sequence where one of the teachers (I think it’s McGonagall but no one mentioned names much) gave an exasperated sigh and asked, why, whenever something horrible happens, you three (meaning Harry, Ron and Hermione) are always involved.  Imagine my shock when I muttered virtually the same line that Ron gave back, saying that they’ve wondered the exact same thing.

Well, Ron, buddy–so does the audience.

I personally have several problems with this movie, especially as it relates backward through the canon (for instance, why does Harry never use that expecto petronum or whatever any more?  Does it only work on Dementors? You’d figure if you’ve got this really uber spell you’d actually bust it out on occasion, especially when you’re in a fight as Harry seems to be every twenty minutes or so.).  But chances are my problems simply stem from the fact that I’m going in cold on this, having never read the books.

However, the critical fact remains–this is not really a bad movie, but rather, this is a movie that preaches only to the choir.  If you’re not already enamored with Harry Potter and his world, chances are you never will be.  There are few fence-sitters here, and so, you’re either desperate to see it or desperate to avoid coming in contact with it.

So what does it get on the ten-scale?  Easy.  A seven out of ten.  It’s beautiful, the environments are great, the actors are at least tolerable even if the plot, much like the lost continent of Atlantis, no longer appears on any map.  For that handful of you undecided, it’s worth a shot.

You know, after looking back over the last five years and seeing nearly half a dozen Harry Potter movies come out (this one will make half a dozen), I’m amazed that there haven’t been more knockoffs.  Seriously, it seems like no one in Hollywood is even taking a crack at the boy wizard subgenre…until now.

It’s called The Mystical Adventures of Billy Owens, and you’ll be able to find this lump on your video store shelves in just under two weeks, July 21st.

See, Billy Owens lives in one of the oldest towns in the East Coast, Spirit River.  And seeing that he’s about to turn eleven–on November eleventh, no less, in easily the biggest example of overforeshadowing I’ve seen in some time.  More on that later, but first, the rest of the plot. Harry–I mean,  Billy, on his eleventh birthday, is about to discover an unusual item up for sale in a local second-hand shop, one that’s likely going to save both himself and the entire town of Spirit River.  Harry–I mean, Billy, in case you hadn’t already figured it out from the opening paragraph, is going to discover that he’s a boy wizard.

No, seriously.

And this isn’t where the similarities end either–merely where they begin!  Billy has two friends, an underachiever named Devon and a clearly pedantic know-it-all named Mandy.  There’s even a school bully who relentlessly pursues Billy, with his two toadies.  Imagine how loud and long I laughed when I realized that the school bully had his own Krabbe and Goyle.

The Mystical Adventures of Billy Owens is, let’s be honest, a bad movie.  The effects are weak even for low-budget, relying on computer graphics, and fairly low-quality CG at that.  This by itself would mean little, really, if it weren’t for the sheer aggressive awfulness of the script.  Mandy’s know-it-all persona is strenuously overexaggerated–she will bust out lines starting with “did you know…” with alarming frequency.  Worse, they’ve put the voice-over narration in Mandy’s hands, and she reads like, well, like a ten year old in class, blasting through lines with little regard for dramatic tension.  I understand she’s just a kid, but folks, she’s no Morgan Freeman.

You may think I’m being too harsh on a bunch of kids, but rest assure, the hackneyed acting isn’t just limited to them.  The adults can’t swing a whole lot of weight either, and that really doesn’t help matters.  The script too, as I said, is a morass of poor writing and terrifyingly bad plot elements.  Immortal dragons, mysterious vines, the “death of the river”…frankly, this is just downright horrible stuff on a narrative level.  The first time I saw a person sufficiently horrified that the town was being “invaded by vines”, all I could think was: “Does no one in Spirit River own a pair of hedge clippers?”

It’s bad enough that The Mystical Adventures of Billy Owens is a Harry Potter knockoff, it’s even worse that it’s an aggressively BAD Harry Potter knockoff.  It’d be one thing if this were just a lousy movie, or a boy-wizard movie, but to be a lousy boy-wizard movie is a kick in the junk on literally several levels.  A movie that’s both wildly unoriginal AND poorly done can only be called a bad movie, and sadly, no amount of magic is going to change that.