Screenhead

What happens if you take a movie that was actually fairly good, take out all the A-list talent, replace it with a bunch of half-baked leftovers and a soupcon of hot chicks, then add in some of the lowest-tier scatological humor to date?  What you should get, unquestionably, is a lousy movie.  But what you get, almost in spite of its truly horrific components, is actually a fairly good movie with plenty of comedy and just enough drama to make you think.

We’re back to Shenaniganz this time around, and they’re in a real mess.  A new restauarant, Ta-Ta’s Wing Shack has opened up across the street from them, and it’s doing horrible things to the numbers at Shenaniganz.  And yet, it’s doing horrible things to the people who work there too.  And as we spend a night with the crews of Shenaniganz and Ta-Ta’s Wing Shack, we discover that they’ve all got a lot of things to think about in their lives, even as their worlds coincide occasionally.

It’s hard to say, with a movie like this, just where exactly you should begin talking about it.  I mean, there’s every reason that you should just blow it off and forget it even exists.  They’re so desperate for people to watch this dreck that they’re willing to include a Hooters knockoff.  That’s really very desperate when you get right down to it.

They lost their big-name talent–Ryan Reynolds and Anna Faris are literally nowhere to be seen here.  Justin Long shows up for a good three minutes to take on the most bizarre role I’ve ever seen him play.   Meanwhile, they’ve kept all the dreck.  Oh, sure, I like Chi McBride and Luis Guzman as much as the next guy, but they aren’t exactly the kinds to hold up a movie.  Okay, maybe Chi McBride could if they’d just give him half a freaking chance but that’s neither here nor there.  I’d like it on record that I still do not find Andy Milonakis funny, despite the fact that he STILL looks like he’s twelve and yet he’s older THAN I AM.

But like I said–though the components here should have made this look like last week’s leftovers, it still manages to come off smelling like a rose.  The whole of the movie was actually worthwhile, with most of the jokes landing easily and pulling off their effect.  I loved when Chi McBride got in there and pulled that really great surprise twist on one of the waiters.  I liked how one of the Ta-Ta’s girls got this really great lecture from a stripper who had gone down virtually the same road that she was looking to go down, and yet she got entirely the wrong point.

And I’m still vaguely mystified by the whole “women love assholes” concept. Trust me, they’ll be harping on this all throughout the movie.

There are lessons to be learned here–perhaps the biggest is to never be too unpleasant with the people who handle your food, because there will be revenge and it will be highly unpleasant. Oh, and stick around past the credits, even if you have to fast forward through Andy Milonakis’ horrible rap song.  Trust me, it’s worth it.

Strangely, that’s all you can really say about Still Waiting.  It’s not the best dish on the menu, by far.  But it’s not really that unpleasant, either.  It’s probably a better rental than anything.

I think I may well have had the best moment at the movies in a long time when I went to see Observe And Report.  But more on that jolly time later–let’s take a rundown of the plot.

When an anonymous flasher exposes himself to shoppers at the Forest Ridge Mall, it sends head of mall security Ronnie Barnhardt off on a whirlwind adventure of violence, carnage and alcoholism.  He must fend off the outside influences of a local detective, pursue his dream of becoming a police officer, further pursue his dream girl Brandi (she works at the makeup counter), once again pursue the thief that’s been preying on the mall, and attempt to overcome his own numerous handicaps in order to achieve his dreams.

Whoever said that Observe And Report was just going to be a darker version of Paul Blart: Mall Cop was absolutely right, but they weren’t COMPLETELY right.  What they said was spot-on, but they didn’t say ENOUGH.  See, not only is Observe And Report a darker version of Paul Blart: Mall Cop, it’s also a vastly more over-the-top version of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  You could already tell from the above that there’ll be plenty of similarities between the two; each features a handicapped mall cop in pursuit of a co-worker, each features over-the-top heroism on the part of said handicapped mall cop, each features a mall cop who desperately longs to be a “real” police officer.  Plus, both Ronnie and Paul live with their mother.  Both Ronnie and Paul will have to face corruption within their own departments.

Like I said, lots of similarities here.  But there are differences, and it’s these differences that will distinguish Observe and Report from Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  Observe and Report features Seth Rogen, who is much, MUCH more painful to watch than Kevin James.  Where Paul Blart was a fat hypoglycemic, Ronnie Barnhardt is merely a slightly chubby medicated bipolar who’s recently gone off his meds.  There may also be a touch of sociopathic tendency in Ronnie Barnhardt, which you’ll discover as you watch this guy lay an ASTONISHING number of beatings down on most everyone he comes in contact with.

I will NOT spoiler, but I tell you this, I truly do not believe the thought of Seth Rogen taking on a dozen cops with nightsticks armed only with a Mag-Lite.  It just doesn’t work for me.

Better yet, there will be lots of gunplay going on in Observe and Report, and mostly by people who should actually not be allowed to own firearms.  Oh, and there will also be full frontal nudity.  Full frontal MALE nudity. I haven’t seen this much sausage in a theatre since I saw Beerfest, and that’s LITERAL sausage, not the metaphorical kind in Observe and Report.  And that great movie moment I mentioned earlier?  Observe and Report has an entire arsenal of F-bombs, and it will not hesitate to drop them even at the most inappropriate times.  In fact, so many were flung around one particularly awesome scene that the only other guy in the theatre when I was watching walked out.  And he did not come back.

Gunplay, male nudity, alcoholism, profanity in extremis…this is what separates the funny and relatively inoffensive Paul Blart: Mall Cop from the funny but wildly over the top Observe And Report.  So if you’re of a sensitive constitution,  or didn’t laugh once during Paul Blart: Mall Cop, then you’re definitely not going to like Observe and Report.  But if you’re the forgiving sort who can take a whole lot of adult content, then you might get a few laughs out of this.  I got quite a few, myself, so I can recommend it, but with so much objectionable about it, I must recommend only with several reservations.  If you’re willing to take the risk, then chances are you’ll like this just fine.

There appears to be some excellent talent in FAQ About Time Travel, a British film full of British humor, but the movie trailer lacks American spunk (if there is such a thing).

Paramount has committed to an untitled pitch while Columbia has committed to a romantic comedy called 20 Times a Lady. 

“Observe and Report” a movie by filmmaker Jody Hill stars Anna Faris, Michael Pena, Ray Liotta and  Seth Rogen.

“Report” focuses around Ronnie Barnhardt (Rogen), a misled, self-important head of mall security. He turns on a turf war against local cops.

Faris plays a salesgirl at the mall whom Ronnie longs for, while Pena is Ronnie’s right-hand man at mall security.

Liotta acts as Ronnie’s nemesis, a police detective. Plemons plays another guard under Ronnie’s orders.