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I never thought a movie could actually HURT to watch it.

Please, bear in mind that I’m not some knock-kneed neophyte.  I’ve seen Ulli Lommel movies. Several of them.  I’ve seen Joe Castro, Charles Band, Uwe Boll, all the worst Hollywood has to offer.  And no movie has ever cause intestinal discomfort the way Step Brothers did.

For those of you who haven’t seen this wreckage yet–and be grateful you haven’t–it’s all about a middle aged man who finds love at a sales conference with a middle-aged woman.  This is actually quite happy news, but it’s not so well received by the couple’s sons.  Under normal circumstances, you might think this is some kind of Brady Bunch redux and shake your head knowingly as you understand that, soon, they won’t be stepbrothers, they’ll be BROTHERS.

Until you realize that the sons in question are in their mid-thirties and still living with their parents.

And don’t misunderstand–these are not down-on-their-luck victims of a bad economy, frantically combing the newspaper want ads for any job that can get them out of their parents’ house.  These are those most annoying type of mid-thirties gent–the kind that never grew up.  Think Failure To Launch without the hot surfer guy, and replace him with, oh, Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.

Yeah, I know.  I had a hard time keeping my lunch down too.

These guys are absolute IDIOTS.  I don’t know who greenlit this but I find myself wanting desperately to seize them by the collar, throw them against a wall and ask them “why?” in a very determined fashion.  It was quite possbly the first movie to ever give me stomach pains.    It literally HURT to watch these nimrods romp around the screen screaming about “Boats and Hos”.

And when a movie actually hurts to watch, well, you really can’t recommend it to anyone else in good conscience.  Except possibly masochists looking for a challenge.

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