Screenhead

We’ve been asking the question for the last few weeks now–who is Salt? And today, we find out with the theatrical release (opening today no less!) with Salt.

Salt follows the lady of the same name, Evelyn Salt, as she’s enjoying her life.  She’s got a great job with the CIA, she’s got a loving husband, a pretty cute dog, and in general, things are good.  At least until the CIA lands a pretty big fish by the name of Orlov, who reveals something that seems preposterous on the surface: a Russian agent has been trained to look, act, and think like an American, but in reality, they’re tasked to do a variety of things, including killing the Russian president during his state visit to the recently (and conveniently!) deceased vice-president’s funeral.  One of those agents turns out to be Evelyn Salt…and there are others….

Admittedly, Salt tries desperately to be a suspenseful little thriller, and on some elements, it does succeed.  There are a few little “probably should’ve seen that coming” surprises here that will likely catch you off guard, but make too much sense in the grander scheme of things.

But Salt does a whole lot of stuff that makes absolutely no sense.  Comparing this thing to classic Warner Brothers isn’t out of line–I watched, astonished, as a United States counterintelligence agent took potshots at Salt, who at the time was laying prone on the roof of a GAS TRUCK.  Seriously.  He’s shooting at what looks like a tanker of flammable liquid rolling down what looks like an interstate highway at appropriate highway speeds.

Disaster movies have started with less.

They will roll through this movie with an incredible mix of pedestrian plot twist and thoroughly irrational action that couldn’t have less connection with reality if it were performed entirely by trained circus clowns.  I’m watching, astonished, as Evelyn Salt manages to survive drops and rolls and other ridiculous stunts that should have killed her a dozen times over, and watching her try to open that bunker toward the end was just downright ludicrous.  I won’t spoiler, but if you do see it, it’ll be a delicate mix of hilarious and godawful.

Maybe I’ll call it “godlarious”.

But I can still recommend Salt.  Just don’t look too closely at it or the whole tenuous illusion will be quite spoiled.  If you go in with a bucket of popcorn, an open mind, and a matinee ticket so if you don’t like it you won’t feel too cheated, you should come out all right.

Thus, the Screenhead Ten Scale hands this high-tension disaster of a spy movie a six out of ten–it’s not terrible, but it’s hardly anything great.

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