Today, folks, we tackle one of those great cinematic rarities in the form of Neowolf, a copy of which the crew out at Lions Gate sent me for review.
Neowolf follows the rock band of the same name–Neowolf–as they tour the country doing shows and whatnot. They’re about to pick up a new member, and thus, he’ll have a lot of choices to make as he discovers the dark side of fame, the temptation arrayed between him and the girl he loves, and the dark secret Neowolf has been hiding.
And of course we all pretty much know by looking at the box art what the “dark secret” is–they’re werewolves, and they have a taste for pre-processed Soylent Green. Not to put too fine a point on it, they eat people. And thus will launch ninety minutes of ABJECT CINEMATIC MISERY as poorly-choreographed kills staged by poorly-costumed fur suit-clad actors (acting, not surprisingly, poorly) rattles across our screens.
While I’m at it, what is UP with the color engineering here? I swear half the footage looks almost BLEACHED. Admittedly I’m not exactly watching this on a top of the line system but something looks graphically wrong here.
But then, I discovered something that blew my mind wide open. See, this thing is a poorly constructed pile of drivel for a reason. And you’re probably wondering what reason could possibly be behind this–which becomes perfectly clear when you check out who the director is.
Neowolf is one of those great rarities of modern cinema–it’s an ALAN SMITHEE FILM.
Seriously, I checked this TWICE. Once on Amazon and again on the IMDB, but both showed it–this is indeed an Alan Smithee. See, in case you’re not familiar with modern cinema lore, Alan Smithee is the psuedonym officially sanctioned by the Director’s Guild of America for use by a director who wishes to FORMALLY DISOWN A PROJECT. Though that sanction was removed in 2000, apparently someone pulled it back out for this.
Neowolf is so bad that even the director doesn’t want to be connected with it.
And with good reason! This movie is TERRIBLE. The plot is incoherent at best, and where it’s not plain old incomprehensible it’s just a clear ripoff trying to get a piece of that Twilight pie with the lowest-budget pie-server imaginable. The plus side, however, is that this is almost funny in its horrendousness, so it might be a good movie to get together and make fun of with your friends while you’re raging drunk.
The Screenhead Ten Scale is able to stop laughing long enough to give a project so bad even its creator won’t recognize it a two out of ten for giving me some laughs, if nothing else.
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