MST3K on DVD: What Should Come Next?

April 17th, 2007 in Dvd, TV

I have vivid memories of discovering Mystery Science Theater 3000. It would have been about 1996, and as I was sitting in my tiny college dorm room, flipping through the stations, I landed on Comedy Central and saw some shadowy figures mocking a black and white film. I’m pretty sure the phrase “stately Wayne Manor” was involved. I was hooked. Unfortunately, CC cancelled the show not long after, and though the Sci-Fi Channel brought the show back for another three seasons (thank God), I didn’t get that station until the show had been cancelled once again.

Fortunately, the amazing folks at Rhino Home Video have seen fit to take up the cause, and have released more than a quarter of the show’s 198 episode run on DVD. (The 11th four-disc collection will be released in late June, bringing the total up to 52 episodes, not including shorts collections.) But Rhino’s releases are largely dictated by rights availability, leaving some gaping holes in the released episodes. What should they release next? Here are my personal top twelve most-hoped-for episodes, broken down by era.

Sci-Fi Channel Years
Puma Man (episode 903): This is easily my favorite episode of the Sci-Fi era, and perhaps of the entire show’s run — and the fans seem to agree. How could they not? The writers couldn’t have asked for better source material: The Aztec priest who randomly throws people out of windows… The whiny superhero who regularly gets his butt saved by said sidekick… The hodge-podge, nonsensical mythology… The impossibly bad special effects… The utterly vapid love interest… And, best of all, Donald Pleasance as the leather-clad villain, who manages to come off as even more incompetent than the title character. I could watch this one a dozen times and never get sick of it. In fact, I’m pretty sure I have.

Teenage Werewolf (809): A mad scientist (of course) regresses anger-prone delinquent Michael Landon into a hairy beast who gnaws on a bunch of his classmates. The movie desperately wants to the horror genre’s answer to Rebel Without a Cause, but comes off more like an overcooked After School Special. Mike and the ‘Bots latch on to the films’ inexplicable hatred of milk products and the sad-sack father’s “beefed” comment and spin them into priceless running gags. The show would later tackle another werewolf movie (this one called – marvel at the originality here – Werewolf, starring Martin Sheen’s younger, less-talented brother Joe Estevez), but the “adult” one couldn’t top the younger version. (Rhino should time this episode’s release with the upcoming, sure-to-be-horrible Teen Wolf remake.)

Parts: The Clonus Horror (811): If Michael Bay was going to steal a plot, why did he have to do it from an asinine movie about a summer camp for clones? We may never know. Regardless, with such spectacularly awful source material, the riffing on this episode can’t possibly fail: Peter “Biography” Graves plays a presidential candidate who sponsors a farm for clones of important people, like… um, his retired reporter brother. When his brothers’ clone escapes (in spite of the fact that he barely has enough IQ points to rub together), all hell breaks loose. Awful idea for a movie, but perfect for MST3K-style riffing.

Riding with Death (814): I’m a sucker for shows centered on 70s-era source material. Something about the combination of bad clothes, bad acting, and completely incomprehensible logic is always a wonder to behold. I mean, a TV show about a trucker who can turn invisible? Seriously? Add in some really awkward attempts at joining two non-consecutive episodes of the show into a single cohesive movie (“You’re more elusive than Robert Denby,” one character says, apropos of nothing), and you’ve got a MST3K classic. (Fun fact: The “invisible trucker” TV show used as source material here was created by Harve “Star Treks II-IV” Bennett and Steven “Hill Street Blues” Bochco, and Die Hard writer Steven E. de Souza.)

Runners Up: The Final Sacrifice (910), Agent for H.A.R.M. (815), Track of the Moon Beast (1007), and Revenge of the Creature (801)

Comedy Central: The Mike Years
The Incredible Melting Man (704): Every episode of the show’s abbreviated, six-episode season is a home run, perhaps because they were stinging from the dual disappointments of the big screen version’s poor development process and Comedy Central’s disregard for what was once their flagship show. But this episode about a killer astronaut with serious skin problems, with its countless inexplicable moments (the overweight nurse running through a plate-glass door, the sexed-up retirees, and, best of all, the hysterical scene where a security guard shoots a defenseless man after he shouts “I’m Ted Nelson!”), is the crown jewel.

The Beast of Yucca Flats (621): Every dedicated Mystie knows and fears the name Coleman Francis. Arguably a worse director than even Ed Wood, his two other atrocities, The Skydivers and Red Zone Cuba (“You shove off!”), were covered by the show and are available on DVD. Rhino should complete the trilogy and make a “Coleman Francis Box” with all three. Okay, that’s probably highly unlikely, but this episode deserves a spot on their release calendar regardless. While it lacks the inexplicable coffee obsession of The Skydivers or the ludicrous ten-man Cuban invasion force of Red Zone Cuba, it does have frequent Ed Wood foil Tor Johnson in a starring role. What’s not to love?

The Alien from LA (516): Supermodel Kathy Ireland seeks out her disappeared archaeologist father in Africa, only to discover an underground race of Australians. It’s just as inane as it sounds, and the riffing on Ireland’s squeaky voice makes this a classic.

Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell (703): Okay, one more from season seven: A smarmy swordfighter, who has absolutely no right to call himself anything as sinister as “Deathstalker” (unless it’s a family name), clashes with bald villain Troxartes (which sounds not unlike Trucks Artist, something the show mocks ruthlessly). It’s a badly plotted, poorly acted mess, and the gang makes mincemeat out of it.

Runners Up: Laserblast (706), Last of the Wild Horses (611), The Sinister Urge (613), San Francisco International (614), Night of the Blood Beast (701)

Joel Era
The Giant Gila Monster (402): “Guys, we need a cheapo horror flick, but we’ve got no money… I know, let’s have a pet store lizard plod around a model train set, and call it good.” (Actually, I doubt the film’s creators gave it even that much thought.) I’m completely mystified as to why this hasn’t been released yet. The rights are surely cheap (the film has be released a dozen times on cheapo DVDs), and it’s got a built-in fanbase of bad movie buffs who love the cheesy effects. Indeed, if I had to name a prototypical MST3K movie, this would be it. Take a “giant” mutated menace, a misunderstood teenage protagonist, sprinkle in some frightened townsfolk, lame comic relief, hammy acting, and special effects your kid brother could make, and voila! Worthy of release for the brilliant “Legs Up” montage host segment alone.

The Day the Earth Froze (422): Finnish-Soviet film about… hell if I know. Basically, somebody wants the Sampo reeeeal bad. What’s the Sampo? A giant rock that pukes gold, I think. Or possibly a portable television set. It doesn’t matter. Forget Ronald Reagan: The real reason the Soviet Union collapsed is that they had to rely on incomprehensible movies like this one for entertainment.

Master Ninja I & II (322/324): Okay, so I’m cheating here. This is really two episodes, but Rhino could easily put it out as a twofer. Yet another repackaged TV show, these movies center on apprentice ninja Max Keller (no relation) and his mentor John Peter McAllister, played by The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly’s Lee Van Cleef. Van Cleef is a long way from gunfights with Clint Eastwood, and is about as believable as a ninja as Chris Farley. Joel and the ‘Bots get in some priceless jabs, including a host segment detailing the Dick Van Patten conspiracy to take over the entertainment world (Dick’s brother Tim plays Max in these “films”).

Time of the Apes (306): What if you took Planet of the Apes, added the annoying kids from the Gamera movies and turned it into a mediocre TV show, which you then spliced back into a movie? You’d still wind up with a better piece of entertainment than this, in which two kids and their au pair (I think) wake up in a future populated by Apes who conveniently still drive the same cars and live in the same buildings we do. Sandy Frank, the producer who imported this and several other films (the Gamera series, for instances), was reportedly so furious about the mockery aimed at him in the show (“Sandy Fraaank! Sandy Fraaank! He’s the source of all our pain!”) that he refused to license any of his movies, making a DVD release unlikely, but we can all hope, can’t we?

Runners Up: Bride of the Monster (423), The Robot Monster (107), The Amazing Colossal Man (309) & War of the Colossal Beast (319), City Limits (403)

One last note: I’m favoring “the Mike years” largely out of personal preference here, but also because Joel has been somewhat overrepresented in Rhino’s releases (28 of 49, not including Shorts discs). Okay, so it’s mostly just personal preference. So sue me.

Okay, one more note: Fortunately, if the rights thing can’t get worked out, we’ll always have DAP Central…

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