So MTI sent me a copy of Hooking Up, and frankly, I regret that they did. See, the first three minutes of this one are going to be among the most preposterous openings EVER.
Not just because of the content, either–but because the writer and director on this one seem to be trying DESPERATELY hard to emulate Kevin Smith. Seriously, I can so picture this conversation going on between Dante and Randal, and when Brian O’Halloran himself actually shows up, the parallels only get deeper…and worse. The Yoda quote alone will sicken and horrify.
Don’t even get me started on how things go when Corey Feldman shows up.
In fact, by the time we get about fifteen minutes in, they’re still introducing characters, and we’re absolutely no closer to discovering what the plot is. I’m actually referencing the back of the box trying to figure out where the deuce I am in all this.
Hooking Up has a visible squick factor. This movie exists in its own private cloud of squick. They literally cannot go more than five minutes without some kind of reference to sex or something similar. It gets to the point where you just want to scream at them: stop humping. Seriously, STOP. HUMPING. Everything in sight! This one’s doing this with this one, this one’s doing that with that one! It doesn’t take long to wear out its welcome.
Admittedly, there’s authenticity points aplenty here–I remember my high school experience being kind of like this, only not so much. Not NEAR so much. But still, even forty five minutes after the start we’re still no real closer to an actual plot. There’s one in here, kind of half-buried, and it’s not so much a plot as it is a stream of consciousness, with a whole lot of relationships and people talkign to each other.
In fact, it’s not exactly too much to say that Hooking Up is like the single most disgusting after school special EVER. At least movies like Can’t Hardly Wait dealt with some kind of larger theme of personal growth or something–this thing’s just nonstop sex. Forget about comeuppances or anything like that–no one will get what they deserve here.
This may well be the single most painful movie I’ve ever had the absolute displeasure of seeing.
The Screenhead Ten Scale, meanwhile, has a hard time dealing with this kind of movie. It’s not like there’s a plot to talk about here, and the rest of the content is deeply graphic and deeply sexual. This might be a good one for the parents at home to watch just to see what’s going on, but aside from that, this is a near-total waste of plastic that draws a full on zero out of ten.
We’ve never actually issued a zero before, but if anything deserves it, it’s this reprehensible misery of a movie. I have seen some garbage in my day, but this is like fire in my head.
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