Screenhead

All right, folks–with just one movie left to cover that’s not courtesy of the boys at Fewdio, we’re down to the wire in terms of what we’ve got left, and tonight, we’re tackling Samaritan, part of the Halloween Horror Nights short film contest lineup.

This time, a man on his way home gets a whole lot more than he bargained for while changing a flat tire.  He thinks he may have found someone in trouble…but HE’S the one in trouble.

I have to admit, this is a downright creepy little package.  There was a great adrenaline rush there through most of this, and they don’t waste much time at all getting to the downright freaky.  I’m truly impressed by how good this turned out.  It’s a spectacular chunk of awesome, all right, and about the only thing bad you can say for it is that they don’t do a whole lot of explaining the things you’ll see.

What was that on the road?  What was that at his house?  Why is all this unpleasant stuff happening to HIM?  Plenty of things I would’ve liked to know, but thanks to the nature of short film, forget it.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives this surprising blast of unexplained scary a respectable seven out of ten.  This could’ve made a really sweet feature-length title with some expositition.

Popularity: 1% [?]

First, let me say how awesome it is that Bronson Pinchot can still find work, even in this economy.  Second, let me further say that it isn’t every day I see a movie that actually makes me check my door locks and leaves me in fear for my safety.  Sounds kind of broad, I know, but as long as the writer of Mr. Art Critic is running around free and unmedicated, I’m gonna have a tough time sleeping at night.

Bronson Pinchot stars as M.J. Clayton, the titular Mr. Art Critic, who’s apparently become renowned for his blistering reviews of art galleries and their respective shows.  He sets off for a vacation on Mackinaw Island, proving once and for all that Michigan really IS the cheapest place to film movies.  And while on vacation in the wilds of northern Michigan, he runs into a previous victim who ends up getting a twisted challenge out of him–can the critic actually MAKE art?

Clearly, somebody involved with this production has been blasted by critics before.  So much so, in fact, that he felt the need to create an entire movie featuring one being systematically destroyed in every particular.

This movie represents a fundamental misunderstanding of the entire nature of criticism.  There are damn few critics working today that actually operate like M.J. Clayton, and with good reason.  Even if we’re so massively jaded that we can’t find anything we like anymore, chances are, we’ll still at least manage to connect SOMEBODY to it.  Those that don’t, meanwhile, generally burn out under the constant stream of venom they emit.  Real critics want to find something they like so they can tell everybody who reads them about it in a desperate bid to prove that their entire medium of choice (art, film, food, whatever) isn’t a completely irrelevant loss.

I’ve seen enough craptacular vampire movies to choke a horse, and I know that every single one I see has about a ninety-eight percent chance of sucking the second I settle in, but I can still manage to say that, if you like vampire movies, some certain titles might be good for you.  Anyone could go back through my own body of work and discover that, while I personally may have found a movie unpleasant, I could still recommend it to certain kinds of enthusiasts.  In fact, I’ll even have a specific recommendation for THIS crap sandwich.  Stay tuned.

One of the movie’s final lines is “don’t listen to the damn critics”, as though we had nothing useful to say.  The movie almost manages to begrudgingly admit that there are “some good critics out there”, as though it were being threatened with lawsuit or as some desperate last minute sop to the numerous critics who would be actually WRITING ABOUT THIS MOVIE.  But even this is much too little much too late as they’ll then gleefully carry on with the demolition of M.J. Clayton.

This bizarre poison pen letter can’t even properly be called a movie as there’s just so little going on here that isn’t aimed directly at critics.  I’m downright horrified that someone would write this.  The only way I could be more unnerved is if the islanders got together and MURDERED the guy at the end of the art show.

What’s the SEQUEL look like?  Clayton is publicly skinned and rolled in salt?

The Screenhead Ten Scale, meanwhile, will rise above the repeated slanders and character assassinations, but in the end realizes that this is just some sad attempt at payback and hands this grotesque wish-fulfillment fantasy a one out of ten.  Don’t even bother seeing this unless you too have a mammoth grudge against critics.

See? Told you there’d be a specific recommendation!

Popularity: 1% [?]

It’s not every day that I fault a movie for its sheer ambition, and in fact, it’s the thing I least like to fault a movie FOR.  Much better too ambitious than not sufficiently so, and so to ding a movie for being overly ambitious feels downright hypocritical.

And in the case of Halloween Horror Nights short film entrant Lamaze of the Dead, that’s what I have to do.

All hell breaks loose when, in the middle of a lamaze class, Zombie Apocalypse suddenly breaks out.  And for one young couple, it’s going to mean a whole lot more than they bargain for.

Like I said, this movie has a lot more ambition than it should; they’re almost trying to wedge what could have been a ninety minute movie in a space meant for a short film one thirtieth that size.  You can only fold a piece of paper so many times before it can’t be folded further, and this movie illustrates that point nicely.

It’s a great movie, lots of zombie-blasting fun for all, but everything seems to happen so fast that there’s no room for coherent narrative.  But even I acknowledge that the ending is just AWESOME.

The Screenhead Ten Scale, in turn, hands over an eight out of ten to this movie that would make an awesome feature had it just slowed down, caught its breath, and told its story correctly.

Popularity: unranked [?]

You know, I really hate TV.  I hate it about the same way I hate, say, Hitler, but more often.  But even I’ve got to admit that there are some good shows on every so often, and when they show up I should talk about them.  So today, you get a TV recap–huzzah!  And today, I’m going to talk about a little show on Discovery Channel (where most of the good shows on TV seem to be migrating these days) called The Colony.

It’s about to have its season finale within the next couple days, so if you get an opportunity to reacquaint yourself (or possibly acquaint for the first time) this really awesome show, take the chance.  See, it’s a really nifty idea for a reality show (and I know reality TV is about eighty percent crap but this qualifies as non-crap) in which about a dozen people from all walks of life are brought together to live in a dilapidated warehouse somewhere in L.A.  Why are they living in a warehouse?  Because it’s the end of the world.

The Colony assumes that the civilized world has finally gone the way of the dodo, whether by nuclear devastation or superflu or whatever (they really don’t say nor do they need to; dystopia comes in many flavors even if they all taste vaguely similar), and left only a handful of people alive.  From there, a group of survivors band together and try to recreate civilization, if only in pocket fashion.  But after some tense encounters with marauders and other hazards, the survivors start to look outside L.A. for places to go.

The great thing about The Colony isn’t so much that it’s accurate (I mean, come on–they’re living in a warehouse and some of these marauders have guns.  But no one ever uses them.) but that it’s a possibility.  There are some really novel ideas in here; I had no idea that wood gave off flammable vapor when heated–I just knew that wood burned.  You will learn a lot while watching this, make no mistake, and even if you don’t learn everything you could, there’ll still be something new and interesting here.  The fact that I can use the words “new and interesting” in connection with a TV show is as unsettling as it is exciting, and that’s a good way to describe The Colony.  Get in touch with this one while you still can–season finale is next week.

Popularity: 1% [?]

MOVIES ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS.

That’s the message Buena Vista apparently wants you to walk away with after looking at the poster for their revamped At The Movies.  Apparently they’ve finally gotten done with their search for new hosts, and apparently also they’ve dumped Roeper once and for all and bring us their new hosts, A.O. Scott and Michael Phillips, two men who, by looking dour enough to suggest someone just told them their dog died, (maybe someone DID–look at these poor schmoes.  They look like they’re about to CRY!) want to clearly project the image that MOVIES ARE SERIOUS  BUSINESS AND THEY ARE SERIOUS MEN.

Seriously.

Meanwhile, your poor old Screenhead critic, who likely won’t be getting a poster any time soon, spent about three minutes laughing himself into a shallow coma over this.

Clearly, the push is on to somehow paint the picture that At The Movies is a better source of film criticism than, say, Screenhead.com.  A lot of people, the second they hear that “dot-com”, automatically revert back to 1997 and say “You can’t believe anything on the internet!” despite the fact that that’s where everybody is now.

I don’t know a whole lot of my audience.  I know you guys come here, but I don’t hear from you very often.  But I bet if I asked if you trusted us to give you solid news and honest review, I bet you’d all answer in the affirmative.

So let At the Movies dress their figureheads up like they’re getting ready for a night of kabuki theatre.  Let them give long and studied rants that successfully use terms no one’s ever heard of like mise-en-scene to try and reinforce some ludicrous belief that you have to be a filmmaker or a film student to be a film critic.

Meanwhile, everyone ELSE can keep coming to places like this, where a guy who worked in a video store for five years before seguing into film criticism can look at you and tell you, honestly, just how bad the newest Hollywood drivel pile stank up the joint.

Because frankly, I don’t need to be a cordon bleu chef to know when someone’s fried up garbage and set it on my plate.

All I have to do is be able to SMELL.

Popularity: 1% [?]

It’s never a good sign when a short film actually WARNS you not to watch.  Especially when said warning looks like this:

i know, i know, its shitty. the lens keeps making noise, and so does my phone, some scenes are dark, its probably confusing, and not to mention, stupid.  it was for my modern film and lit class.  i was really rushed on this assignment, so i had to use shitty editing programs.  i might go back and fix it eventually.
also, i know i change my outfit about 50 times.

This begs the obvious question:  then why did you put it on YouTube?  But, let’s laugh in the face of an obvious warning (I just hope we don’t regret it like those darned kids in pretty much every slasher movie ever made!) and go forth to survey the damage.

First, the plot–basically, a girl dies under mysterious circumstances, but those circumstances are actually a lot more mysterious than anyone’s letting on.  Just in case you actually want to try this one, I won’t give away the twist ending, which actually does manage to be something of a surprise.

Aside from that, however, the warnings are all as advertised.  Some scenes will be unwatchable.  Some that are watchable will just be pointless, like when we get to stare at a shower curtain.  Those that are watchable and actually advance the plot will be plagued with horrible audio artifacts and other grievous errors, including my personal favorite, “I swing a hammer straight up and down”.

But an unintended consequence of this movie is that it’s actually kind of funny.  Sure, we’re laughing AT it rather than WITH it, but a laugh is a laugh, and these days, that’s not so bad.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives this unintentional comic gem a three out of ten for both effort and giving me a few good chuckles.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Before you ask, no.  This is NOT a remake of the eighties movie featuring Richard Pryor and John Candy, may both rest in peace, but rather an adaptation of the novel that the original movie was based on.

See–and here’s where things get interesting–the movie required Brewster, who had inherited a fortune from a relative he barely knew, to spend thirty million dollars in thirty days.  This was a lot harder than it sounded, because he couldn’t have any assets to show for it at the end of the thirty days.  If he bought a car, he’d still have the car.  He could only give away money in certain installments, and could hire people as he liked, but he couldn’t destroy anything with any value, either. So if he bought, say, a statue, he couldn’t just drop it off the roof and win the bet.

The book, meanwhile, called for Brewster to only spend a million before inheriting his vast sum.

No one’s sure how much the NEWEST Brewster would have to shell out–accounting for inflation he’d probably have to spend like six hundred million by 1985 standards to match it–but one thing’s clear: money WILL be spent.

Popularity: unranked [?]

I admit, freely, that most of the reason that I enjoy the Saw series is because of the traps.  I’ve always been a sucker for amateur mechanical engineering, and watching everyday people build machines, whether they be for mowing the lawn or for dealing horrible pain and disfigurement to intruders, just makes me smile.

This is also why I enjoy the Home Alone series.

But I digress.

I finally managed to watch The Collector today, despite the fact that it’s in somewhat limited release, much to my sorrow.  And what I found was plenty of amateur mechanical engineering…almost too much.  More on that directly; but first, the plot!

In a desperate bid to pay off his wife’s loan sharks,  a burglar turned contractor turns back to burglary and targets a recent client, a jeweler.  But when he gets there and starts breaking into the safe containing a ruby the size of a human fist, he discovers that he’s not the only intruder.  But the other fella, he’s not out to take stuff…he’s out to take PEOPLE.  And, of course, messily and painfully dispatch anyone he DOESN’T want as part of his sadistic collection.  Now, the thief will have to turn hero in a bid to save the family he barely knows.

Like the title says above, you’re going to have to have a strong stomach if you want to see this one.  Most of the time, people don’t like to think about what an ordinary man can do with a pair of pliers if he’s sufficiently motivated.  The Collector will force you to consider that.  The Collector will ALSO force you to consider what that same man can do with rope and nails and screws and fish hooks and pretty much anything you can buy at Menard’s.  Except, of course, for the bear traps.  It’s criminally irresponsible to sell ANYONE half a dozen bear traps in this day and age.  I mean, seriously–didn’t this raise a red flag at the store?

And while I’m here, remember when I said it was almost too much amateur mechanical engineering?  It’s true.  I watched the thief stumble through a house where traps seemingly appeared by magic.  Windows that I hadn’t noticed were boarded up were suddenly, well, boarded up.  Extra locks requiring barrel keys sprouted on doors where there were none before.  I don’t know if I missed something or there was just a huge time lag, but narratively speaking, I don’t know where all this stuff came from.  It just shows up.

It’s hard to assign a ranking to a movie like this.  Clearly, this is for horror buffs only, and even they’re probably getting a little tired of seeing people tied to things and being cut open with little or no way to fight back.    Thus, the Screenhead Ten Scale issues it a five out of ten for being a movie with niche appeal only, and even that beginning to weaken.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Thanks to the tireless vigiliance of my able cohort Kenna McHugh, we all know that G.I. Joe had a really awesome weekend this week, right?  Good reviews abound–they even coaxed one out of me–and a huge cash weekend.

Huge by any reasonable standard, anyway–the Joes battle with Cobra took in a whopping fifty six million dollars.  But what if I told you that they’d need–get this–another TWO AND A HALF weekends exactly like this just to break even?

This may well be the perfect expression of what’s wrong with Hollywood today.  That incredible movie we just saw?  That took in a huge amount of cash and great reviews?  The very epitome of summer blockbuster?  Its shooting budget was a whopping one hundred and seventy five million dollars at last report.

It’s made fifty six million so far.

To break even, the Joes have to pull off another two and a half opening-sized weekends.  Can they even do it before people lose interest completely?  And with so many more movies coming up–we’ve got District 9 in a matter of days, folks…and for crying out loud, Saw VI is only just over two months out.  Halloween’s almost here!  How are the JOES going to pull off another hundred million bucks, just to break even?

Only time will tell, folks, but I have to wonder if between the economy overall and the performance of GI Joe if we’ve seen the last of the blockbuster for a while.

There’s just no profit in it.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Fresh news out of the “Schaudenfreude Much?” folder for you today, as it seems that an unlikely force is being really badly hit by the economic downturn–Hollywood lawyers.

Citing a decrease in overall film production (for the period between January 2 and July 21 this year, 284 films were released.  That time last year, it was 336.) and in declining dollar value for actor contracts, the Hollywood lawyers that negotiate these contracts and enforce them are having to do lots more work for lots less cash.  Lawyers typically take about five percent of the value of any contract negotiated, and when the contract goes from ten million dollars to two million dollars, that’s a pretty healthy loss for the lawyers.

It’s at this point that most regular folks laugh blackly and say: join the club.  And considering that they’re still making huge money by any realistic standard, it’s reasonable to do so.  And of course, most everyone’s doing more with less these days.  But when you consider that those lawyers are also losing eighty percent of their original revenue in some cases, it’s enough to actually leave you feeling sorry for lawyers.

Never mind, of course, that twenty percent of THEIR pay is still several orders of magnitude above what most people make in a year….

Popularity: 1% [?]