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Admittedly, when I went into New Moon this morning, I wasn’t expecting anything good.  My experience with Twilight was only a few months old, and it still hurt to think about that slow sludgy mess of sparkly emo boi vampires dragging the genre down with it.

But when I grit my teeth and walked in,  what I got was something somewhat different from what I was expecting.

Just to catch you up on the plot, we’re still with screechy loser Bella Swan and her sparkly emo boi vampire boyfriend Edward.  Only now, we discover that werewolves are also thrown in the mix (it was probably supposed to be a surprise but they tipped their own hand on this point MONTHS ago) and for some reason, both vampire Edward and relative newcomer werewolf Jacob Black are all very much into this pasty cipher of a girl who seems to exist for no other reason than to give the teenage girl fans in the audience an easy point for self-insertion.

Yes, there’s still plenty wrong with this whole thing.  One, none of these people can act worth a fart in a stiff wind–Kristen Stewart still seems dazed by the whole thing and is acting like she’s been suffering a concussion since about ten minutes into the first movie.  Robert Pattinson is a willowy mess–when he takes his shirt off and reveals his new “six pack” it looks like nothing so much as a man in desperate need of a SANDWICH.  Taylor Lautner is the girliest macho man I’ve ever SEEN.  He’s trying DESPERATELY hard to be some kind of bad-ass but then everything he tries is toned down so hard for the consumption of the tweenagers in the audience.  It’s like someone told him, “Be a bad boy, but don’t actually be THREATENING.”  He’s doing his best, I think, but he’s doing it under terribly strained conditions.

Also, why isn’t White Wolf suing holy hell out of Summit, Stephenie Meyer, et al for copyright violation?  I remember the nature-boy werewolves and cosmopolitan corporate vampires back when I was one of the handful of people playing the Rage card game back in 1995!  Now all of a sudden it’s a major motion picture and I don’t think White Wolf’s getting any taste on this.  They DO still have the license at last report even if it’s been sold more times than real estate.

But, like I said originally, this was better than I expected.  If for no other reason than the only way it could be much worse is if Stephenie Meyer personally came to theaters at random and gouged out the eyes of one of the viewers.  There was more action in this, and a developing storyline that still seems rather limited (White Wolf, for Pete’s sake, it’s werewolves versus vampires.  You did ALL this long before them!), but is actually somewhat bearable.

There’s still plenty of slow parts in this, though, and lots of reason to be unhappy, though not nearly as many as the FIRST Twilight installment gave us.

The Screenhead Ten Scale, naturally, agrees with me and hands over a five out of ten to a vampire franchise that may well be starting to look up.  If it continues improving at this rate, Breaking Dawn’s going to be a non-stop bloodbath and even I’ll be impressed.

New Moon.

Yeah, I know, I’m pretty bummed out about it myself.  At the rate this thing is going it’s going to DWARF the original Stoker.  Dracula is going to get pushed out by…Team Edward.

A little part of me just died typing that.

But it’s no less true for my squeamishness.  The number one pre-selling title of all time, at least as far as Fandango goes, is New Moon.  In fact, at the rate it’s going, there’s a good chance that theater owners will be resorting to little-known techniques like interlocking the reels to reduce the length of show times, or even running continuous loop showtimes, in which there’s no, or at least a minimum of, time between shows to get the most possible in a day.

One way or another, this thing is going to be one of the biggest movies of the year.  The Twifans have already bought their tickets and there will be virtually no competition on that weekend.  The only alternative is Planet 51 and a handful of limited release titles.  Thus, there’s pretty much no way that New Moon won’t take top spot this weekend.

So we’ve got a strange bit of news roaming around about the fourth installment of Spider Man, and it comes to us by way of a casting announcement that was made.  Check THIS out:

[TODDLER BOY]

2 or 3 year old boy to play 2 year old, Caucasian with RED HAIR, an adorable toddler with an engaging personality, on set experience preferred. IDENTICAL TWINS ONLY

…yeah.  Two year old Caucasian with red hair.  We’re all pretty much aware that Mary Jane has red hair…so is it possible at this point that Spider Man might become Spider Dad?  That’s entirely possible too, though it does kind of go against the established canon a bit.

Though let’s be honest…the established canon is in such tatters that there really isn’t a “going against it” at this point.  For crying out loud, Spidey’s been retconned so many times it’s not even funny any more.  He just sold his soul to Mephisto like ten, twelve issues ago.

So why not? Why not have Peter become a dad?

Riddle me this…riddle me that…who’ll never show up in a movie about the Bat?

Simple answer: Dane Cook.  Long answer: the same but it involves numerous non-work safe expletives, a brief seizure and cries about “any justice in the world”.

But that hasn’t stopped the thoroughly unfunny comedian from trying!  He’s apparently trying to get his foot in the door of one of the Batman movies to try his hand at playing The Riddler, a concept that Jim Carrey pretty much destroyed for all time with HIS portrayal of same.

When asked how Cook would play such a role, possibly in sheer disbelief that the moron would even suggest such a sacrilege, Cook said that he’d play it like “The Crow…only more comedic”.

Like that putz even knows what comedy IS.  Look, you want comedy?  Go get Denis Leary. He’d make a sweet Riddler.  Have some fun with it–get Gabriel Iglesias.  A fluffy Riddler would be awesome. They could let out one of Matthew Lesko’s suits and we’d be off to the races!

Don’t worry, though, folks–as long as Chris Nolan’s in charge I doubt you’ll ever see Dane Cook in a Batman movie.

Sometimes, folks, movie news is so epic that it can’t immediately be discerned whether it’s epically good or epically bad.  All I know is that this is a big lump of something, though whether it’s a big lump of awesome or a big lump of suck will remain to be seen.

Seems that Will Ferrell (on the producer slot) and Tommy Wirkola (whose name you’ll recognize from zombie Nazi epic Dead Snow) have banded together to get working on a remake of the Hansel and Gretel story, along with writer Dante Harper.

A basic synopsis is now available, and it boggles my mind.  Picture a funny version of The Brothers Grimm, and you’ll have a good idea what’s going on. Basically, fifteen years after the duo in question jammed a cannibal witch into a scorching hot oven to die, they’ve decided it’s time to take up a new line of work–witch bounty hunting.  Apparently there’s a LOT of witches around, and it’s up to Hansel and Gretel to kill them off but good.

See what I mean?  Good? Bad?  It could go either way and do so on an unimaginable scale.  But how will it turn out?  We’ll have a ways to wait before we find that one out.

So it may well prove to be the weirdest idea ever, but World War II classic action figure and Marvel dud Sgt. Rock (who actually started getting published around the Vietnam War) is getting a movie.  But here’s the problem–it’s not set in either time period.

No, no Nazis or NVA for Sgt. Rock to kill mercilessly–Sgt. Rock will be set in the FUTURE, where he’ll likely be tackling aliens or robots or just alien robots.

Well, it’s not like anyone was really, you know, EXPECTING much out of this one.  I mean, come on.  it’s Sgt. Rock.  Who actually READS Sgt. Rock, anyway?  I asked a buddy of mine who’s a comic buff and he about laughed me out of the room. So I guess it really doesn’t make a difference if Sgt. Rock fights Nazis or NVA or Iraqis or even demons from hell because no one’s heard of the guy anyway and no one’s got any real expectations.

No word on release dates, but Joel Silver’s been trying to get this project going for the last twenty years, so you can probably expect it to show up about the same time hell freezes over.

Well here’s a chunk of news guaranteed to baffle and unsettle all at once.  Apparently, J.J. Abrams was working on converting the Stephen King novel series The Dark Tower into a series of films, when suddenly he realized that this was going to be a VASTLY bigger job than he’d realized and pushed the whole thing aside.

This means at the very least there will be a delay, because it’s as yet unclear whether Abrams is just taking a break, is killing the whole thing off, or handing off to another director / writer / team of same.

In all honesty, this is a deeply disturbing sign.  While it’s good to see that Abrams understands his limitations, this means probably nothing but trouble for King fans who wanted to see the Dark Tower movie make the same nigh-miraculous comeback as the book line did.

But with Abrams either temporarily abdicated or out of action for good, the progress of the Dark Tower movie is likely halted with him.

­­­­­Screenhead is proud to present Frank Beddor’s graphic novel, Hatter M, Vol. 2: Mad With Wonder and is available now. 

It’s a mad, mad, mad world as Royal Bodyguard Hatter Madigan’s maniacal quest to find Alyss continues! In Volume 2, Mad With Wonder, Hatter follows the Glow from London to the battlefields of America’s Civil War in search of the Princess who must someday be Queen. The America that Hatter encounters is a sprawling, wounded, boiling landscape of innocence and energy run amok. The war is tearing the country apart, yet Hatter must maintain his sanity in this maelstrom of holy rollers, child healers, prophetic snake handlers, deranged outlaws, and passionate southern belles. As Hatter searches he learns he is not the only Wonderland presence that has found its way to the Promised Land. Queen Redd’s black imagination is fueling the Civil War and threatening our world with her evil! 

If you would like your own a copy of Volume 2, Mad With Wonder, Hatter, post your name and we will pick the winner Tuesday, December 1, 2009.

Look, it’s no secret that I hate Twilight the way Nancy Pelosi hates the free market system, just more often, but even I’m baffled by the emergence of a new teaser poster for the third installment of the Twilight saga, Eclipse.

The teaser comes by way of Bloody Disgusting, and it’s really rather nondescript if suitably ominous.  I’m actually somewhat pleased with this; it shows that even complete wastes of plastic like Twilight can learn.

So what’s got me confused about it?  Well, check the release date on that poster.

Oh, you saw it too?

Yeah…that release date.  JUNE.  Like as in about seven months away June.

What were they doing, filming these two concurrently? I thought the Saw release schedule was an impossible juggernaut in the making but Twilight’s making them look like, well, like the Evil Dead series.  Even I’m impressed, but still, I’m baffled.  What kind of quality can they be putting into this?

And then I slap my forehead and remember, oh yeah…it’s TWILIGHT.

The Hollywood actress is finally able to overcome life-long addiction through Narconon drug rehab program. As chronicled in her recent book High on Arrival, Mackenzie Phillips was introduced to the world of drug addiction at a very young age.

Once in awhile I’d catch “One Day at a Time” and thought the show was upbeat and kind of silly.  As a viewer, it wasn’t easy to tell that Phillips grew up in a family that used and abused drugs.  I guess,  looking back and knowing her dad was a rock star in the 60’s. Drugs were the norm, it all makes sense why someone like Phillips ends up on drugs.  

As she got older, Mackenzie’s drug use continued to increase, and as a result they continually crept into her professional life. Unable to maintain her lifestyle, she was asked to leave “One Day At a Time” and her drug use continued for many years, until last year Mackenzie finally found a solution to her problem – the Narconon Louisiana drug and alcohol rehabilitation program.

When she arrived at Narconon Louisiana, addicted to heroin and cocaine, Mackenzie had just been bailed out on felony drug possession charges. “I felt like my life was over,” she explains. “I’d had 10 years clean time in the past, but I felt defeated by my relapse.”

Once Mackenzie arrived at Narconon Louisiana she was given the opportunity to break free from her past. “At Narconon Louisiana I was welcomed into a family of amazing people who truly cared about me. I was given the opportunity to repair past difficulties, under the caring and watchful eye of the staff. The program has given me the freedom to move forward into my future, a future I did not think I had,” says Phillips.

The way the Narconon program achieved this was through a unique method that handles both the physical and mental aspects of addiction. During the first part of the program clients go through a sauna detoxification program, which eliminates residues that are left in the body by drugs and therefore reducing physical cravings for the drugs. The second half of the Narconon Program is a series of life skills courses, which restore an individual back to a productive, ethical, contributing member of society while raising their abilities to handle problems or difficulties.

Phillips is only lucky lady. I am sure she’ll do well.

(Source)